Posts

Showing posts from 2018

qwertymonk's Post

7 feeling sick before bed trying to get 3 down By: via qwertymonk

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each acting out their own shitshow it’s hard to be anything By: via qwertymonk

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doing laundry listening to grindcore sipping gin By: via qwertymonk

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but i can be if needed By: via qwertymonk

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never have been By: via qwertymonk

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i am not a night person By: via qwertymonk

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so overdone by day after day of the mostly non stop unending same thing By: via qwertymonk

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roughhouse on the bed goes terrible as usual then downstairs for various forms of battle By: via qwertymonk

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everyone gets some By: via qwertymonk

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through the gentle blizzard bring home the thai soup By: via qwertymonk

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good stuff By: via qwertymonk

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might have to have the other ones earlier in the day By: via qwertymonk

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i guess it says so right on the can but still more than i thought By: via qwertymonk

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that beer had a lot more espresso than i expected By: via qwertymonk

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high af By: via qwertymonk

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boys and wife watching one of our fav documentaries of okie dokie brothers canoeing down the mississippi while i disappear into the shower and guitar By: via qwertymonk

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more snow falling blowing By: via qwertymonk

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love the name By: via qwertymonk

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oh yeah the beer is called grindcore by surly brewing small batch By: via qwertymonk

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got me rollin never a break it seems but who needs one By: via qwertymonk

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couple people gave me these coffee beers for xmas and i have to drink them in the daytime intense stuff but good By: via qwertymonk

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then hit chocolate for him espresso milk stout for me By: via qwertymonk

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7 and play outside in the falling snow By: via qwertymonk

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wife bad back and sick today me playing with boys doing everything the loyal dog servant By: via qwertymonk

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grueling with a chance of sunshine By: via qwertymonk

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familial onslaught By: via qwertymonk

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yamaha clavinova By: via qwertymonk

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boys to bed late everyone exhausted wife feeling sick both of us overwhelmed but can’t argue with ever present gratitude By: via qwertymonk

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from sister in laws family we’ll work on paying for it deep discount family style nice machine so far By: via qwertymonk

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we got a piano By: via qwertymonk

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cat puke upstairs with my name on it By: via qwertymonk

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the boys and i famished we eat some lunch while 7 aggressively begs to go to a friends house By: via qwertymonk

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we have the neighbor girl over for a while and then her dad as well after a while as their house heats up after the tech leaves her mom working at the nail salon today By: via qwertymonk

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at least our furnace works By: via qwertymonk

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but neighbors lost their heat broken furnace and needed our space heater first thing this morning By: via qwertymonk

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3 kicking my head half the night then putting his head on my pillow and snoring into my ear hole By: via qwertymonk

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gin By: via qwertymonk

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then we play board games until mom comes home By: via qwertymonk

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7 watching a show and 3 protests against me playing guitar wanting me instead to play board games with him as i plead with him to just let me play a few minutes while i am playing a few notes and eventually rock and roll wins and he gets into it until i’m done By: via qwertymonk

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7 is the star of instructional sword fighting videos in our basement and 3 does his version as well By: via qwertymonk

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accomplishment takes a backseat to being with humans as it should really By: via qwertymonk

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they are faster at making messes than i am at cleaning them forgot about that By: via qwertymonk

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can’t get anything clean By: via qwertymonk

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light flurries all day By: via qwertymonk

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feels good to resolve that karma By: via qwertymonk

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torn between helping one boy build his minecraft lego set and the other begging to make a gingerbread house then switching to train set and all the messes taunting me and somewhere in there able to deposit xmas money and finally pay for the recording program i’ve been using for the past few months By: via qwertymonk

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i make hot cocoa for the boys and more coffee for myself By: via qwertymonk

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boys and i shovel the driveway again in the brittle wind By: via qwertymonk

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wife heads to work By: via qwertymonk

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coffee and tired ass eyes By: via qwertymonk

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breakfast alone while all sleep in By: via qwertymonk

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both and neither and so and By: via qwertymonk

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other times it is always present and part of everything By: via qwertymonk

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in certain phase bubbles things get rough and the music goes away only to return slowly when arrogance has dissipated By: via qwertymonk

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things coming to light for sufferers and things not being taken for granted By: via qwertymonk

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i get a friend over for 7 and it is good By: via qwertymonk

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heart attack snow they sometimes call it as the boys and i shovel the driveway icy rain drops splatter my shaved skull like something exquisite By: via qwertymonk

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overnight snow turned to rain leaving thick white capped slush for all to surf By: via qwertymonk

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3 kept us awake most of the night By: via qwertymonk

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snow By: via qwertymonk

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a little better today By: via qwertymonk

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rough day By: via qwertymonk

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we do our best to show children joy and love and what matters and what doesn’t but most likely also show them our neurosis which they will someday cut through or pass along By: via qwertymonk

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never assume By: via qwertymonk

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xmas can be so sad for so many reasons By: via qwertymonk

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we get everything set up too tired to be excited and too much expectation and confusion and last trauma to enjoy By: via qwertymonk

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boys finally asleep By: via qwertymonk

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the boys do not fall asleep on the way home and we are up trying to get them to sleep so we can get the presents under the tree and get our own sleep before dawn is By: via qwertymonk

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one more then water water food and water By: via qwertymonk

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another xmas party another amazing beer can’t believe how good By: via qwertymonk

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sometimes the mountain of boring house work is the best thing for a tender heart By: via qwertymonk

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the incredible suffering we invoke by trying to control so many things By: via qwertymonk

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one good xmas cry so far By: via qwertymonk

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stress and joy and everything else By: via qwertymonk

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feisty morning By: via qwertymonk

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i give it to her By: via qwertymonk

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she needs a massage to get right By: via qwertymonk

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wife gets home right after i sit down and rest my tired feet By: via qwertymonk

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could easily go to sleep right now and would love to but gotta follow the routine of 7 and remain awake By: via qwertymonk

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3 falls asleep while 7 is doing his daily reading i get him into his bunk bed despite numerous pitfalls including jealous dog barking thinking i’m going to bed without her she always wants early bedtime but i don’t blame her me as well By: via qwertymonk

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gin By: via qwertymonk

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as we play flashlight war in the dark basement By: via qwertymonk

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gin of enlightenment By: via qwertymonk

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the purists gin & tonic By: via qwertymonk

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time for gin soda lime By: via qwertymonk

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preparing By: via qwertymonk

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we make music on my phone By: via qwertymonk

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they eat other stuff By: via qwertymonk

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i make tacos By: via qwertymonk

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boys find stride By: via qwertymonk

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all i can do is love them as they are By: via qwertymonk

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another brutal afternoon with naughty little boys By: via qwertymonk

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slogging through the day feeling unhealthy in spite of shoveling the driveway wife is feeling same and off to hang with sister even though she doesn’t want to leave again there are things to get done By: via qwertymonk

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late night and morning 7 at his friends house for a bit By: via qwertymonk

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full moons are full By: via qwertymonk

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then i rock out upstairs assuming there will be a catastrophic catastrophe that needs my immediate undying attention but there is not and i breach the ten minute barrier of inattentive parenting By: via qwertymonk

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one in the can more on the way By: via qwertymonk

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anyway one of the crappy apps has some interesting sounds that if i strip most of it away i can move around enough to make something interesting in a stupid way that guitar and vocals and other things can fill out properly and that is the whole reason i downloaded all these things By: via qwertymonk

qwertymonk's Post

i have deleted half the music making apps i downloaded the other night due to their false advertising and lack authenticity or genuineness so to speak they just seem like they're out to make money not music although to give them the benefit of the doubt i would say they are at least attempting to create community but i don't really believe that because it feels more like part of the money making undertow to entice you by being able to show your friends the music your making By: via qwertymonk

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7 finally reads his twenty minutes and eats his noodle soup so we can start his show and he gets a snicker fun size for eating the whole bowl i know great parenting By: via qwertymonk

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probably looking in the mirror By: via qwertymonk

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motherfuckin bullshit By: via qwertymonk

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wife leaves and i’m left total assholes just diabolical how bad they can be By: via qwertymonk

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more presents wrapped more cleaning and cleaning and wife is going out just the boys tonight will be just fine or not By: via qwertymonk

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pets coffee breakfast wife has a meeting union stuff 7 going to friends house boys being terrible and then ok again getting ready to get ready By: via qwertymonk

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take a break and record some freedom By: via qwertymonk

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digging trap music especially instrumental wanna make some beats like that and add stupid guitar in my style if for nothing else than my own p l e a s u r e By: via qwertymonk

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https://open.spotify.com/track/1gAYsbY37gNkUVWKyHd7sb?si=tVmQseT_TNW0FfrzKcxXjA By: via qwertymonk

qwertymonk's Post

cleaning and laundry and red wine ear buds reporting arabic trap music playlist here as the boys watch troll hunters animated show in netflix and wife knots a sweater for the chihuahua mini pincher mix and there is only love and experiments By: via qwertymonk

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wrap more presents record a track shave head and beard shower By: via qwertymonk

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a few hours til 7 gets home for winter break By: via qwertymonk

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i think he had a nice time 3 was awful on and off wife couldn’t make it cause the new commissioner was strolling through and she needed to be available By: via qwertymonk

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super crabby 3 all morning tough to get to the pub with my dad but we made it By: via qwertymonk

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this is it last few hours before winter vacation holidays By: via qwertymonk

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my dad turns seventy tomorrow we’re taking him out to lunch and offering him a few trinkets of appreciation there is no way to appropriately thank him for the countless meals he has provided us or the countless hours of home repair and childcare just phenomenal By: via qwertymonk

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i long for long hours in the studio By: via qwertymonk

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i have this vision of getting a crappy cheap little kids drum set and practicing on it until i have some decent stuff happening and then recording lo-fi drum fun on one track and jamming out on guitar with the other tracks and see what happens By: via qwertymonk

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and a bottle of scotch By: via qwertymonk

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i forgot to ask for a drum set for xmas By: via qwertymonk

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funny though when i've searched for apps like these i can't find them what luck to trip on them and fall into whatever they are which may be nothing for me By: via qwertymonk

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last night after boys fell asleep i accidentally pushed on the app store and scrolled and there was a list of music apps for making beats and dance like music and i found myself reading the descriptions and the reviews and downloading every free one on the list and now i look forward to playing around with them to trying to fuck it up until something interesting comes out By: via qwertymonk

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wrapping presents running errands checking smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors a dead one and two dead batteries doing afternoon shots of deep black tea By: via qwertymonk

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wrapping presents like a steamroller outta hell as xmas vacation rolls in like a steamroller outta hell or a heavy fog full of cranky fireflies By: via qwertymonk

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sore feet still going By: via qwertymonk

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got a chance to listen to many transmissions from bjor6n oranj this morning while quickly washing dishes and am delighted with them looking forward to working on them By: via qwertymonk

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they either grow out of it when they’re much older or just learn coping skills or both By: via qwertymonk

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he has to work so much harder than most children just to have basic control and look somewhat normal and it’s crippling when he can’t By: via qwertymonk

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he’s working on it By: via qwertymonk

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from what i can tell i kind of don’t blame him kids can be such assholes including him but they sense his short fuse and use it against him because he’s almost powerless By: via qwertymonk

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emails from school yesterday and today kids picking on 7 and him punching them By: via qwertymonk

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so so busy and seems like getting nothing done unless one looks closer all the details the minutiae and fires to out out everywhere and take very pont of view possible into account By: via qwertymonk

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no recording today By: via qwertymonk

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more transmissions have come down the pipe and i am eager to hear them and see what i can do By: via qwertymonk

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it is all so ordinary and extraordinary By: via qwertymonk

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finally after months of trying to get this thing figured out it seems like it made it through By: via qwertymonk

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finally emailed their general contact area thinking they would never see it and i would have to call them back tomorrow but they did see it and email me By: via qwertymonk

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i called again and and reconfirmed the email but it wouldn't go through By: via qwertymonk

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but for some reason the email kept being returned undeliverable By: via qwertymonk

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so i called the office and it seemed like they knew the drill and said to just email it to them and they will get it to her inbox By: via qwertymonk

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even after i expressed that we have no fax machine she still wanted it faxed mailed or driven to her By: via qwertymonk

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baffling By: via qwertymonk

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that's right By: via qwertymonk

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she refuses to check her email By: via qwertymonk

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been baffled by this wonderful woman who i thought did a great job assessing 7 for dyslexia and other red flags but she needed a copy of his IEP and Evaluation and it has been like pulling teeth to get them to her By: via qwertymonk

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then worked my ass off and still am By: via qwertymonk

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worked on a special transmission from bjor[6]n oranj unlike any other and it brought some avant garde mixed with sweetness from the fingers and guitar By: via qwertymonk

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made appetizers for wife's holiday work party with her guidance while hanging a sensory swing in the basement for 7 who was at school getting in trouble and then 3 and i delivered the appetizers to wife's work to much fanfare and came home By: via qwertymonk

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uploading and downloading transmissions for TIJAC behind the life scenery passing by By: via qwertymonk

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nother busy busy day By: via qwertymonk

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by studio i mean some wires and pedals an amplifier a microphone and a computer using an old pioneer stereo from the seventies and cheap book shelf speakers as monitors but it all surpasses what i need so i’m in studio heaven or close to it By: via qwertymonk

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i should probably name my studio By: via qwertymonk

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3 and i run lots of errands and he is so patient until we get home and has a minor meltdown but we get through and eat some snacks for lunch then he gets some daniel tiger i rock out in the studio By: via qwertymonk

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tension in the air reversing mistakes taking passive bullets at least the solar panels are cookin today again By: via qwertymonk

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she has catered three out of the last four days and i applaud her for it By: via qwertymonk

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the gig is going later than wife thought and although her feet are sore she’ll make really good money again today and she’s having fun with her friends there By: via qwertymonk

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7 and finish sharpening the pencils for school and he reads to me for twenty minutes from pete the cat and the tip top tree house By: via qwertymonk

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boys were tough after 7’s friend went home i was losing my mind again and then 3 fell asleep while i was talking to 7 about something i can remember what and i got 3 up into his bunk bed a few hours early with fingers crossed he’ll sleep through the night By: via qwertymonk

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ipad time is congruent with shower By: via qwertymonk

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maybe i’ll actually get a shower By: via qwertymonk

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they want to use their slotted ipad time By: via qwertymonk

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7’s friend arrives and the boys launch into play so i can actually accomplish something other than being referee to an ancient karmic battle By: via qwertymonk

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the poignant quality wears of quickly and we’re back to non-cooperative assaults on sanity By: via qwertymonk

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we do that every once in a while and it's good for everyone alive to include death sadness missing humans and pets and everything else By: via qwertymonk

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i am very proud of them for dropping everything and listening and taking it to heart and discussing death with me By: via qwertymonk

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a friend's wife died of breast cancer at five thirty this morning and i couldn't stop crying as i talked to the boys about it By: via qwertymonk

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wife off to catering just the boys and i friend of 7 coming over later to play By: via qwertymonk

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we all have it By: via qwertymonk

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invisible stress By: via qwertymonk

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good to remember that other people might have more family stuff weighing on them tons more work in that area and therefore are at a disadvantage in other areas By: via qwertymonk

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helping wife prepare for her next catering gig and in the midst of tension and forward thrust she offers me an i'm sorry about yesterday and scales the mountain of virtue her father and others in her family could never even attempt By: via qwertymonk

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we were up until one thirty or so and then 3's little head cold kept waking us both up every hour or so needless to say we're tired By: via qwertymonk

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3 won’t cooperate at all to go to bed and here we are in one of the hells again the tired one By: via qwertymonk

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made it home late neither boy fell asleep in the car on the way home By: via qwertymonk

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after a good run i sink the eight ball prematurely and lose the match for us leading to the true winners who really needed to win something By: via qwertymonk

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spend most of the party playing toys with 3 and trying to convince 7 to eat something instead of playing constant ipad with his cousins By: via qwertymonk

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someone gets me the best beer i’ve had in a long long while By: via qwertymonk

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wife says she’s proud of me and good job then confesses to everyone that we’ve had a really tough day By: via qwertymonk

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sister in law and i will advance to the championship circle By: via qwertymonk

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everyone gets a partner for the pool tournament wife and get pitted against each other i have a good streak then miss a couple then clean up and win for our team By: via qwertymonk

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we make it to the party despite numerous catastrophes merry fucking christmas motherfucker By: via qwertymonk

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she takes a shower and we’re supposed to be a xmas party in a little while with appetizers we haven’t made yet By: via qwertymonk

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3 falls asleep in her lap and 7 is sick of us arguing By: via qwertymonk

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i get home and apologize to wife for how heated things got and we discuss some more but the frustration is high and it seems like only circles of anger directed at me and me angry that she’s angry By: via qwertymonk

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i say sure and we hang up By: via qwertymonk

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i pick up and say hello and he apologizes and asks if i can come home By: via qwertymonk

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i do more mantras and begin to wrap up my practice when it rings again By: via qwertymonk

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probably one of the best texts ever By: via qwertymonk

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it says By: via qwertymonk

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Iamsoree By: via qwertymonk

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then a text comes By: via qwertymonk

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he tried five times By: via qwertymonk

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i don’t answer but i cry harder By: via qwertymonk

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while donna mantras my phone won’t stop ringing and it’s 7 using facetime on his ipad to contact me By: via qwertymonk

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i get an angry text from wife and only reply that i deposited the cash and filled up the car with gas because i can’t argue with every single point By: via qwertymonk

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i finally find a spot and cry a little then i do some meditation and mantras By: via qwertymonk

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i deposit some cash into checking i fill the car with gas i stop at cvs to go to the bathroom all the way looking for a good place to park and cry By: via qwertymonk

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and i leave By: via qwertymonk

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so i tell everyone i’m leaving for a while By: via qwertymonk

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he’s said it before and he’s said much worse but he dug in even more this time and wife doesn’t want to see my face in her room with the door closed By: via qwertymonk

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wife and i get into a big fight i’m not even sure what it’s and 7 is kind and offers me comfort but then when i say he can’t have a dessert he flips into pissed off mode saying a bunch cruel things and ending with he wishes i was dead By: via qwertymonk

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for a little while By: via qwertymonk

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the fresh air and sunshine completely change everything By: via qwertymonk

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life changing By: via qwertymonk

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wife gets some time to veg out i her phone and heal her very sore feet and we get fresh air By: via qwertymonk

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a monumental task By: via qwertymonk

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finally get some food in 7 and get the boys dressed for outside By: via qwertymonk

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7 gets up and the boys launch into the same bs as last night and i feel like i’m taking crazy pills By: via qwertymonk

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or not By: via qwertymonk

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and in a much bigger view it all comes down to mind in the heart By: via qwertymonk

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maybe i’m wrong but i feel that many people know how to be healthy and have obstacles self made or other and there is a privilege in not having those obstacles By: via qwertymonk

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he did mention meditation being a boon for all health but that leaves out the ability of meditation to dissolve your ego when practiced more thoroughly and it doesn’t feel good or healthy at that time so one needs much guidance and perseverance By: via qwertymonk

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at first interesting but overall left me feeling angry about the privilege around getting perfect sleep and the billions of people who cannot insert the perfect sleep schedule intro their chaotic existence not all the other attributes that lead to good sleep and therefore ‘good health’ By: via qwertymonk

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wife had me listen to an npr segment on sleep a couple days ago By: via qwertymonk

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3 slept twelve and a half hours wife slept horrible we’re trying to let her sleep in i slept better than a average By: via qwertymonk

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I feel joy every time I hear a voice in the jar of the dead By: via qwertymonk

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i feel relief from the dream that I have to be the perfect person By: via qwertymonk

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my first glimpse that perhaps bedtime won’t always be pure hell By: via qwertymonk

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enjoying the hell outta this By: via qwertymonk

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7 gets his shows and snacks while i sip some wine and see how wife is doing at her gig she sends a pic of her holding a glass of wine in her uniform with a friend and says great exclamation points By: via qwertymonk

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we finally sit down so 7 can read to us and what starts out equally frustrating turns into 3 falling asleep in my lap and 7 finishing his books me getting 3 into his bed and under the covers while dog barks at me because she thinks i’m going to bed with him and she wants to sleep by me almost waking the poor child but i escape without waking him up By: via qwertymonk

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i lose my mind i freak out i don’t know what to do or how to handle them or myself By: via qwertymonk

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the boys are killing me tonight it feels like death but it’s not so many have it so much worse but emotions are intense projectors of illusion stories that seem so real By: via qwertymonk

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the owner has been traveling the world for years learning making connections and bring back the good stuff By: via qwertymonk

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https://www.teasource.com/ By: via qwertymonk

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i’ve never had a bad tea from them and they were around before the big tea boom By: via qwertymonk

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highly recommend anything from tea source By: via qwertymonk

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getting high on tea source gold By: via qwertymonk

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crushing afternoon lethargy By: via qwertymonk

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get another song started with a beat sent from bjor[6]n oranj and my guitar slightly dirty rhythmic rumbling By: via qwertymonk

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wife is exhausted but we get her on her way to another very long day By: via qwertymonk

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dawn is nearing and sunshine seems imminent By: via qwertymonk

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preparations in place i press brew By: via qwertymonk

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she saw al franken at the party she was catering but he wouldn’t look at her By: via qwertymonk

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wife home late 3 asleep working on 7 she stayed up to wash her uniform for the next gig tonight and to sew 7’s gloves that were broken and caused him massive emotional upheaval By: via qwertymonk

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from a friend today: Things I appreciate about Erik: . Fucking honesty . No holds bar questioning . A sincere smile . I don't care, I'm doing it anyway brand empathy . I don't care how that attempt went last time, I'm trying it again anyway brand empathy . Yes, fuck yes, compassion . Deep breath compassion . Noodley fingers . Curiosity . No, I don't know ability . The 56 pound heart . Once again, with feeling . Salty tears . Strength . Soar back stamina . Warriorship in the face of nappiness . Love . love . LOVE By: via qwertymonk

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wife has catering gig today and is leaving work early grateful she can do this and the boys and i can handle it we don’t know when she’ll be home By: via qwertymonk

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washing vomit laundry and figuring out things that were already figured out before but need another round of attention because others dropped the ball somehow but of course i understand since i am them By: via qwertymonk

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the senses don't think By: via qwertymonk

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making music has been the one creative outlet that has been beneficial but i place too much attachement on it when it's the only thing which is where meditation can really loosen things up and show them more clearly By: via qwertymonk

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i think it is a good idea overall though By: via qwertymonk

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and i have a strong interest in cannabis legalization that is not wholly based on decriminalization if you know what i mean By: via qwertymonk

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i can work on all of these By: via qwertymonk

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no alone time is a big one By: via qwertymonk

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haven't been meditating much or enough pretty much no exercise along with my love of alcohol and coffee By: via qwertymonk

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i'm not doing well overall or perhaps i am but there are some issues By: via qwertymonk

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gassho By: via qwertymonk

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he boarded the bus heart happy and sat with his new friend the kindergartner and we blew kisses and circled our hearts toward each other shared a deep bow By: via qwertymonk

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minutes earlier we were arguing about whether he had to go to school or not while he bounced around the house evoking negative reactions from the dog and 3 and wife/mom and myself By: via qwertymonk

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ever so gently i say to him that when i look at him i see... and i go through a list of details as his light brightens visually apparent to my eyeballs and he hugs me and tells me how much he loves me By: via qwertymonk

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then i was flooded with details of the incredible situation this 7 year old human being finds himself in and takes for granted By: via qwertymonk

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i closed my my mouth consciously inhaled the frigid tones witnessing his every molecule and taking it in while not knowing what i was doing By: via qwertymonk

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light snow at the bus stop with 7 By: via qwertymonk

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the liberation it delivers is monolithic at the same time cuddling the poor little ego identity that wants everything it's own way or to at least not be criticized and scolded for being itself By: via qwertymonk

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it's really amazing to see the non-separation when that clarity comes in glimpses By: via qwertymonk

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in me in them By: via qwertymonk

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i'm not a fan of 'venting' overall but lately i've noticed i'm not being heard until i throw a fit and then things seem to change By: via qwertymonk

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slept a little better but not a lot and worried i'm falling in love with the dog more deeply than anticipated after yelling at everyone that we shouls get rid her By: via qwertymonk

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unreal when seen clearly By: via qwertymonk

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fragrant residues physical mental emotional By: via qwertymonk

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criticism is refuted and we move on By: via qwertymonk

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and i’m beyond any point of calm By: via qwertymonk

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so many disparate maneuvers happening By: via qwertymonk

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chaos ensues By: via qwertymonk

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everything delayed By: via qwertymonk

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7 unloaded vomit all over his bed By: via qwertymonk

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everyone in this house is overtired and handling it differently By: via qwertymonk

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busy then not By: via qwertymonk

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cheerful anyway By: via qwertymonk

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massive headache By: via qwertymonk

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poor sleep By: via qwertymonk

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play some guitar drink more gin take dog out before bedtime By: via qwertymonk

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i shake up gin martini and place the ear buds into the ear holes for cleaning time By: via qwertymonk

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they out on never ending story and i’m amazed how well it holds up By: via qwertymonk

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read with 7 By: via qwertymonk

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eat and roughhouse more By: via qwertymonk

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roughhouse the boys By: via qwertymonk

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incense music making soup By: via qwertymonk

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7 went up another level in reading we’re so proud of him he keeps doing it By: via qwertymonk

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little pieces of sanity By: via qwertymonk

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took a break earlier to record a guitar track and then had a shower By: via qwertymonk

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what is this fascination with being so busy or is it staving off the anxiety that comes when there is a mountain of stuff to accomplish and even overwhelm becomes overwhelming looking for goods and bads and finding only what is By: via qwertymonk

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seems like constat emails and texts today figuring out stuff at school for 7 gifts between family members play dates with friends paying bills looking up solutions to problems on and on By: via qwertymonk

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working on it today By: via qwertymonk

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lacking self-care yesterday By: via qwertymonk

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i’m as guilty as anyone of everything i am everyone and everything the best of the best and worst of the horrible there is no separation By: via qwertymonk

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suffering is suffering it doesn’t matter what about or why except to maybe deconstruct an illusion storyline By: via qwertymonk

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we all have to work on own things i can’t make you work on your blind spots i can only point them out and vice versa By: via qwertymonk

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i have strong martyr tendencies but don’t call me a martyr when i’m expressing feelings of overwhelm about what actually has to get done in reality and especially when you are part of what piles it on By: via qwertymonk

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space is the best saddle By: via qwertymonk

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i let everyone know what’s up and they listened but wife still deflected with some language to protect herself then later when she’s at work things seem to deflate By: via qwertymonk

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not proud of the explosion but not ashamed either By: via qwertymonk

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this is not new knowledge to them and they agree but we’ll see By: via qwertymonk

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seemed like we were done at that point but eventually another wave came and i was saddled with dog and a bunch reasons why and i exploded into swearing about getting rid of the fucking dog that no one else takes care of and i didn’t want By: via qwertymonk

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another crescendo tsunami hurricane whatever you call it and i end up sitting on a wooden stool sobbing so hard into my hands i think my face might crack or my eyeballs may burst but the only thing that happens is simplicity is rediscovered By: via qwertymonk

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the boys are brutal we are exhausted what can you do By: via qwertymonk

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for whatever reason all the reasons i sit on the crappy couch in the freezing breezeway and weep into my unclean hands By: via qwertymonk

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sublime mundanity By: via qwertymonk

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clean the stove make more cocoa listen to music By: via qwertymonk

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burnt the hot cocoa for 3 because i wanted to play guitar By: via qwertymonk

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groceries By: via qwertymonk

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got the stamps By: via qwertymonk

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finally got the window installed By: via qwertymonk

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errands and tantrums By: via qwertymonk

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so what By: via qwertymonk

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bukowski called red wine the blood of the gods By: via qwertymonk

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7 reads to me for twenty minutes and gets a treat to enjoy with his show as the ear buds arrive at my ear holes and electro bass music throbs and tickles this dishwasher kitchen cleaner red wine tongue By: via qwertymonk

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boys fighting when we get back then food and crazy time in the basement with dad which is me we hear mom which is wife yell that santa is here and run upstairs to fire department caravan collecting toys for tots with santa installed atop and big red engine the firefighter running around collecting toys so chat with our neighbors and throw out toys in the bin and go back inside to warm up By: via qwertymonk

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after his friend leaves for hockey practice i take 7 sledding By: via qwertymonk

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https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2018/11/27/nick-cave-open-letter/ By: via qwertymonk

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love and grief are non-negotiable By: via qwertymonk

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we may actually see sunshine today and i steer my mind toward gratitude for everything in the midst of the high speed death train By: via qwertymonk

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we’re having him over for a play date today By: via qwertymonk

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7 has a new friend from the bus a kindergartener who is 5 they get song great and talk about each other to their parents By: via qwertymonk

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crappy sleep early animals pattern repeat hashtag cranky By: via qwertymonk

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lying next to one boy for over an hour then the other one needs me another hour of not sleeping but exhausted and cranky exercising patience beyond my limited understanding and witnessing intense klesha and neurosis finally both are asleep in spite of wife almost waking the second one and now i am so cranky and overtired i just want to smash things and play my amp as loud as possible and destroy matter and scream and bleed and thrust the earth into the sun but i’ll lay here and breathe and not know and not know what to do with not knowing and really not know that is most important By: via qwertymonk

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but we do it anyway once in a while By: via qwertymonk

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like i confessed at ecfe it’s not really worth it to go out and do anything it’s not all that fun feels more like work and then the aftermath we have to deal with in boy behavior makes it regrettable By: via qwertymonk

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quick stop at a new age book store where wife buys a special rock and as we’re headed across the street for a cocktail nana says they’re on their way home so we ditch the bar get home to be prepared By: via qwertymonk

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some great great stuff By: via qwertymonk

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then coffee at art institute and walking through the free galleries By: via qwertymonk

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they say they are used to it and don’t worry about but they appreciate what i said By: via qwertymonk

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good food at an asian place full aspiring creative people i apologize to our server for saying thank you sir and tell them that i’m working on it By: via qwertymonk

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on the way to somewhere we get lost and find a different place but then have difficulty parking eventually figuring it out By: via qwertymonk

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somehow we get them there and are able to leave By: via qwertymonk

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both boys refusing to go at this point By: via qwertymonk

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but i have to trust them to have a good or bad time and wife and i will have a cheap date at the institute of art or something similar By: via qwertymonk

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i’m worries it will be a fiasco of expectations not being met and frustration explosions By: via qwertymonk

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preparing to drop the boys off at their nana’s house my wife’s mother where they will make cookies and watch a movie according to her By: via qwertymonk

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idk about you but i use the night blue setting under settings and appearance to make my telegram experience more sexy and when i change my avatar to one of those gradient circles i usually use it pops nicely off the screen into my eyeballs By: via qwertymonk

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https://youtu.be/Jlt4S9nb2RE By: via qwertymonk

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our new song is out and i love it By: via qwertymonk

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they are both incredible beyond my ability to fathom in the best and worst ways By: via qwertymonk

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we get through and 7 makes it to his beloved ipad time and 3 shows me an amazing robot he built out of legos By: via qwertymonk

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7 gets home and i have to be extra intense frontal lobe to help him focus and repairing his school work and getting through it all while 3 is banging things on me By: via qwertymonk

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and the realization that the phase will pass is irrelevent to how one comes to it By: via qwertymonk

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he's been this way and i can't explain to a teacher or most people that when mercury goes direct the boys go fucking crazy and especially during a new moon but it helps me realize that this little phase will pass By: via qwertymonk

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email from teacher that 7 ate his school work and then crumpled up some other school work when it was time to hand it in and then was just generally too much all day and she's hoping for a better time on monday By: via qwertymonk

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get an overdrive pedal in the mail from my mom's partner he had drawn my name from the hat and asked what i wanted and i had just found the pedal online and sent him the link so here it is right in my house sounding as amazing as they said it would online for only twenty bucks i can hardly believe it a brand new pedal almost always costs at least fifty if not a lot more and boutique pedals in the two hundreds and up sometimes very satisfying to have this little bugger since i've never had anything like it and always wanted something like it By: via qwertymonk

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wife 3 and i have lunch with my dad afterward and talk a bunch about everything we talk about By: via qwertymonk

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pretty much good news from her even though he's in the lower average for some reading stuff we all think it's more due to his two years in chinese immersion with very little formal english instruction and we've seen a lot of progress this year around his reading ability especially when he gets over his attitude toward it By: via qwertymonk

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there really is not test and no dyslexia according to here it's more of a blanket term people use and refers to a bunch of different things that could make learning difficult By: via qwertymonk

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wife and i attend meeting with psychologist to go over test results to see if 7 has dyslexia By: via qwertymonk

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never fails By: via qwertymonk

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diabolical little boys merc rx dark of the moon By: via qwertymonk

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boys driving me nuts By: via qwertymonk

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just had a meltdown By: via qwertymonk

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keep trying By: via qwertymonk

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gotta pay to save and reopen the project though By: via qwertymonk

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always a learning curve but was able to make some simple grooves By: via qwertymonk

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tried one By: via qwertymonk

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found some By: via qwertymonk

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searching free open source drum machines online By: via qwertymonk

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those are the options By: via qwertymonk

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everything should be ok and either get better or worse or stay the same By: via qwertymonk

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called plumber about bounced check By: via qwertymonk

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called the bank and asked about options By: via qwertymonk

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soothed wife over the phone time for contentment again i said and we laughed at how lucky we are to have everything we need when we look at it By: via qwertymonk

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it's all ok By: via qwertymonk

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we weren't mindful the speed of life and holiday anxiety mixed with joy and not paying enough attention and all the rx planets assisting the ignoring of finances By: via qwertymonk

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but i will By: via qwertymonk

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not supposed to talk about money By: via qwertymonk

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we had to leave the window there and as i was trying to get an uncooperative 3 back to the car all the purchases came rushing into my memory the gifts for family the kitchen stuff we needed three new pairs of gloves extra alcohol for wife's work xmas party smart watch new phone coffee maker family photos and photo books and having those photos put on xmas cards and sent out on and on and on By: via qwertymonk

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even our line of credit was maxed By: via qwertymonk

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went to pick up a repacked window from the hardware store and the card didn’t have enough to cover it By: via qwertymonk

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gorgeous snowflakes earlier this morning now sunshine By: via qwertymonk

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send it off to mr oranj and get ready to get ready By: via qwertymonk

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seems to work out pretty good By: via qwertymonk

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settle on fuzz and double octave pedals no reverb trusting that i'll find the syncopation and alternations i need to make the track sing By: via qwertymonk

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do a few run throughs to figure what sound i want to use interrupted frequently by the needs of 3 By: via qwertymonk

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listen to the next track received from bjor[6]n oranj and find out it's a beat i made By: via qwertymonk

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get everyone off to their places and 3 fed pondering what eneds to become accomplished this day By: via qwertymonk

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wife woke up intense 3 woke up screaming i didn’t react too much and let them have it all things settled and 7 was on point mostly everyone thinking thoughts and doing stuff By: via qwertymonk

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ecfe lunch with dad snow By: via qwertymonk

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nothing serious just a little outside the lines By: via qwertymonk

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he has done so well for so long it was bound to happen eventually By: via qwertymonk

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at least they weren’t calls from the principal By: via qwertymonk

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two emails from 7’s teacher today By: via qwertymonk

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go home and eat lunch then record some guitar tracks By: via qwertymonk

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errands with 3 all morning then drop off soup at wife’s work By: via qwertymonk

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one at a time By: via qwertymonk

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other dramas swirling around By: via qwertymonk

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we apologized for assuming he lost them he did not he was very careful and put them on a shelf where he knew he could find them again but another child took them by accident and it took a while to discover this By: via qwertymonk

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https://open.spotify.com/artist/0EnbbUSBFfkY3gm9MzH3ZG?si=pUxd9yuJT5mHuvjRgn4ddw By: via qwertymonk

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there was a mixup the gloves were found he didn’t lose them By: via qwertymonk

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try twice and come up with nothing workable but it’s all leading to an idea that will sound right By: via qwertymonk

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working hard but pause everything to record for a bit By: via qwertymonk

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releasing dependency rituals By: via qwertymonk

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the sound of winter wind so distinctive from other wind sounds By: via qwertymonk

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tell the dog out back bouncing through the inches of fresh snow By: via qwertymonk

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wine cheese boxing with 7 By: via qwertymonk

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finally get a shower then help put up part of the fake xmas tree By: via qwertymonk

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beverage lovers coffee lovers By: via qwertymonk

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recently we decided to simplify and not be so picky which will help some of my stress during morning routines and i can always use the moka pot whenever we need that special thing By: via qwertymonk

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i’ve made coffee with a stove top moka pot espresso maker since before i ever met my wife and we just always preferred that quality By: via qwertymonk

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all unpacked and washed ready for the maiden flight tomorrow morning By: via qwertymonk

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got our first drip coffee maker tonight By: via qwertymonk

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wife heads out into it at the last minute to get a few things we need whiel 3 melts down and then 7 and then 3 and then 7 makes funny pictures on snapchat to send to mom and i'm not sure how to get 3 out of his screaming inferno nuclear tantrum has he's pounding me while i type this By: via qwertymonk

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looks like we will get a lot and have plenty to shovel tomorrow By: via qwertymonk

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snow is here By: via qwertymonk

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snow on the way By: via qwertymonk

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trying to get everyone fed lunch and then probably pretend we’re the happy family doing christmas shit like gingerbread houses and xmas tree decorating none of which hold any interest with me other than whatever joy it might bring the boys and wife By: via qwertymonk

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fun while it lasted By: via qwertymonk

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finally got him out to the sledding hill which was so fun and great exercise for me to slog up the hill tempting heart attacks to visit me but 7 didn’t listen about wearing warmer gloves and then admitted i was right and needed to go home By: via qwertymonk

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rough morning with 7 By: via qwertymonk

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it just is what it is and that has to be ok in some cosmic way By: via qwertymonk

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and then bedtime which defies routine defies every book i’ve read and expert i’ve den on youtube defies all the well meaning ecfe parents and teachers By: via qwertymonk

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wife is wiped out and useless and i don’t blame her as the boys fight and battle and instigate and perform all naughty acts they can muster and i tool around trying to referee exasperated while cooking simple dumb food to get us all fed with my goal of getting them in front of a goddamn movie so we can breathe for ninety minutes By: via qwertymonk

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could be any myriad variations of story along that route By: via qwertymonk

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too shy to tell his teacher so i’ll have to mention it By: via qwertymonk

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7 didn’t find his gloves but saw another kid wearing them By: via qwertymonk

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found a coupon and got a little shaved off the bill By: via qwertymonk

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i was close but not experienced enough to know it and didn’t have the best tools By: via qwertymonk

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plumber got it By: via qwertymonk

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i am a member of an avant-garde writing list-serv that i have been neglecting for a while and this morning i just dropped everything and read this one genius's poem with word suicide repeated in the juxtaposed ways that were revealing and helpful and again i felt the value of what poetry and writing can do and also felt the subtle longing to do some writing myself the kind i used to do but probably updated into something i haven't yet conceived of until it arrives with a hammer and a bucket of nails By: via qwertymonk

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always curious what new music has been born unborn By: via qwertymonk

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writing about metal music last night reminded me that i was also one of those rural farm kids who got into rap music very early on and ate up every track i could get my hands on usually dubbing a tape from a friend or their older brother or sister By: via qwertymonk

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i was not under the impression that complete enlightenment had prevailed this incarnation however it is always startling to see clearly the deeply entrenched preferences our identity ego control center clings to with fangs bared By: via qwertymonk

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the plumbing thing reveals just how far away from being ok with anything i am By: via qwertymonk

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doesn't really matter just the way thoughts occur By: via qwertymonk

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never heard back from the school whether 7 found his gloves or they helped him or anything and one wonders are they too buys to reply or forgot or are just sick of all my messages By: via qwertymonk

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almost time for 7 to get home almost time for the plumber to get here the perfect storm By: via qwertymonk

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plumber on the way in a couple hours lucky to catch one before the weekend but we’ll see By: via qwertymonk

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did everything i could and ran it by my dad By: via qwertymonk

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thought i fixed a bad plumbing problem in the bathroom only to discover it’s worse than i thought By: via qwertymonk

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or not By: via qwertymonk

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whatever happens is fine By: via qwertymonk

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stupid me dropped the ball and didn’t label them with his name which i blame on too much stuff happening all the time By: via qwertymonk

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if they can’t find them today i’ll have to post on the school fb page By: via qwertymonk

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i’ve got all his helpers on it and sent a picture in to them By: via qwertymonk

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7 lost his new expensive gloves at school again yesterday By: via qwertymonk

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get a little recording in then back to work By: via qwertymonk

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pets are killing me By: via qwertymonk

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late nights early mornings are killing me By: via qwertymonk

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i still enjoy chugging away on one heavy crunching chord through a distorted amplifier quiet or face meltingly loud By: via qwertymonk

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by metal i mean heavy metal thrash punk hardcore splatterrock death metal speed metal prog metal and every crossover variation basically crunching guitars into my ear holes and myriad tempo patterns alternating the gallop toward imminent oblivion By: via qwertymonk

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as well as discover that i still enjoy metal sometimes and discover new old and new new bands By: via qwertymonk

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amazing to hear some of this stuff and to read the little synopsis of each group By: via qwertymonk

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some still sound awful and some not as good as i remember but some really hold up and still amaze me probably partially due to whatever teenage black hole i was going through By: via qwertymonk

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and now it’s all right there like a music history lesson parts of my childhood filled in i was so curious what all these bands sounded like By: via qwertymonk

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back then when i was discovering new music through dubbed tapes from my friends older brother i couldn’t afford to buy every tape i saw in the store or heard about in a magazine By: via qwertymonk

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boys watching a show i sit down with a glass of wine and discover all these metal bands i had either loved or heard of on spotify By: via qwertymonk

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then the boys and head downstairs to play samurai sword fight and zombie rush By: via qwertymonk

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this guy has other cool stuff that is perhaps more palatable but i like it all By: via qwertymonk

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https://soundcloud.com/jpkervinen/eof-session113018-1 By: via qwertymonk

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listening to avant-garde electro sound By: via qwertymonk

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making tacos By: via qwertymonk

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7 is a swear genius By: via qwertymonk

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just remembered 7 said YOU LITTLE SHIT NUGGET to 3 last night when 3 threw a big lego at him we couldn’t laugh at the time but i’m laughing now By: via qwertymonk

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afternoon lethargy sets in for both child and father child performing tantric tantrums father seeking sleep asylum neither getting what they want By: via qwertymonk

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jasmine tea and sitting still monochromatic scenery out the picture window 3 playing with yellow toy front loader By: via qwertymonk

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sending gifts to boston fam By: via qwertymonk

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just like us By: via qwertymonk

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phone calling for receipts the picky HSA needs them craves them devours them but is never satisfied By: via qwertymonk

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and then their country album By: via qwertymonk

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listening to WEEN for lunch and cleaning some old albums i never got around to hearing those guys are geniuses in some ways and awful in others By: via qwertymonk

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climate sirens are wailing By: via qwertymonk

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need apps pop up By: via qwertymonk

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3 and i will shovel the driveway By: via qwertymonk

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couple inches on the picnic table in the backyard and everywhere By: via qwertymonk

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still snowing By: via qwertymonk

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i play all the TIJAC songs for 7 and he’s into it he says YOU GUYS SHOULD BE MUSICIANS By: via qwertymonk

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soup turned out good By: via qwertymonk

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then off By: via qwertymonk

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switch to COLTRANE By: via qwertymonk

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making soup listening to classical music By: via qwertymonk

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still snowing By: via qwertymonk

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rockin out a little bit By: via qwertymonk

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ancient afternoon By: via qwertymonk

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still snowing this ancient afternoon By: via qwertymonk

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i should probably get the typewriter out and make some art and spontaneous writing and see how the new camera on the phone works they say it's really great and if it is it could exacerbate the beauty of the abstract typewriter art i was making and seemed to have a following for By: via qwertymonk

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on the other hand we are in a phase with little to no room for error or down time me time alone time and we want to live our lives so having a drink is celbrating life and some good food and if i can exercise and meditate in there somewhere too all the better much less record music and listen to others music By: via qwertymonk

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it is no mystery By: via qwertymonk

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i'm the opposite i don't want to know and am not even curious i just know i'm not healthy and i need more sleep and exercise and meditation and less alcohol and coffee and food By: via qwertymonk

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she wants to know more than she doesn't but also doesn't want to know By: via qwertymonk

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it's been a slow learning curve for the wife and her apple watch too but full of interesting fun things and anxiety if her heart rate doesn't seem righ By: via qwertymonk

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i still need a case and i usually prefer to go without but i think i will protect this one and be fine with it By: via qwertymonk

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the way the new phones work is remarkable and with high tech lenses in my new bold frames with blue blocking capabilities and high definition coupled with the extreme high quality of the phone screen has my brain wondering how to react but it has been mostly pleasurable and also frustrating when there is no time to play around with the brand new toy fun distraction By: via qwertymonk

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i lost a bunch of passwords and recordings and some beats that i really liked that i was going to record guitar with soon but it was worth the fresh start and at least one of the beats i know i can recreate because it's a beat that has been coming through me for the last year or two and if i sit down and transcribe it i know i can make it happen and even get a better voicing from the drum machine By: via qwertymonk

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i learned a lot about my habits and what i wanted to continue and what i wanted to abandon or discard By: via qwertymonk

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inserting a new device into that continuous stream of activity brought me great anxiety at first and i wanted to get all my stuff transferred to help me not lose all my passwords and tracks i've recorded and beats i've made but i slowly started setting up each up one by one instead and rather enjoyed the fresh start of leaving so many things behind and starting afresh once again By: via qwertymonk

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on and on By: via qwertymonk

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i use my phone all day and night every day and night mostly not staring at it but streaming music from it sending texts and emails back and forth while running errands making grocery lists and using the app for the store i'm in for discounts looking up how fix something on google or youtube writing for this channel reading the news or school updates weather updates recording music and using noise apps for soundscaping documenting our boys with photos and sharing with family and friends all over the world By: via qwertymonk

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so we went for it and i got the newest best iphone which i've never done and i've never heard anyone write about how life changing a new phone can be not on every front but so many By: via qwertymonk

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when she was out picking up a few things we needed on black friday she talked to the techs at target and they had a deal if you buy a new phone you get a huge amount of an apple watch and we were going to get her one anyway to help with her health and to look more powerful at meetings with ignorant old white men By: via qwertymonk

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the thing i haven't been able to write about is new phone for me and new watch for wife By: via qwertymonk

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another tough morning with 3 but i found the twinkle and got him jazzed to help me scrape the ice off the white car which would logically but not obviously lead us on to 'school' aka ecfe By: via qwertymonk

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snow By: via qwertymonk

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busy morning ahead By: via qwertymonk

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still awake wishing for sleep By: via qwertymonk

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really tough day By: via qwertymonk

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losing it again By: via qwertymonk

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finding it By: via qwertymonk

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losing my mind By: via qwertymonk

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worse today By: via qwertymonk

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3 was awful yesterday By: via qwertymonk

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upcoming release from TIJAC made it onto a german music blog: https://soundcloud.com/inspotmusic By: via qwertymonk

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more and more i can't even write it all as another appointment has just arrived... By: via qwertymonk

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i call the mechanic to check in and they are stacked with cars to fix form the long weekend but say they'll take a look today and call me back By: via qwertymonk

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we miss the bus and get our one car started and 7 gets dropped off at school by his mom with tears in his eye because the glove is not at home and not at the school lost and found and we can't check the bus until evening and he has recess to worry about By: via qwertymonk

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7 can't find one of his favorite gloves one minute away from school bus and he completely melts down with me freaking out but wife comes in and deescalates us By: via qwertymonk