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no one is saved that’s fine i’m not either but fuck if i’m gonna spend my life being dragged under by bullshit By: via poetry falcon

how annoying how absolutely irritating to have someone attempt to infect you with their good cheer is my feeling yet that doesn’t make it wrong By: via poetry falcon

so far it’s working By: via poetry falcon

i’ve decided to infect them with good cheer because i’m crazy By: via poetry falcon

wife just called saying 6 is sick or possibly not but my dad didn’t want to take the chance and they’ve had a rough day and everyone’s frustrated and crabby and cranky as i change another diaper By: via poetry falcon

the most memorable moment of last nights malarkey was when toddler puked in his mouth a little and then coughed spewing the syrup upon my glasses and face yep By: via poetry falcon

and then it’s back into the action By: via poetry falcon

the toddler is playing for a little without me and i can actually think a few thoughts By: via poetry falcon

oh i know why By: via poetry falcon

i don’t know why i’m writing all this today i don’t think it’s particularly important for anyone to read however it seems important for me to write out so i will trust that By: via poetry falcon

as i a buddhist there many practices that assist in the quest for unconditional love for all and perhaps i’ve come close at times i’ve certainly done some stupid stuff from and ego point of view but as a parent i can see the unwavering quality of unconditional love that i do not quite have for my wife and everyone else except possibly my immediate family i’m not sure but i am sure of the indestructible quality of my own love for these boys By: via poetry falcon

unconditional love is motherfucker By: via poetry falcon

and i probably complain too much or not enough in comparison to all the things occurring that are not shared within these bubbles and i am probably more grateful than i can even comprehend with my little monkey mind because when i look in the eyes of these boys and SEE there is nothing to worry about By: via poetry falcon

also the pattern of finding space to run almost every day for one or two weeks and then everything exploding into a clusterfuck with no hope of running for a month or more and this pattern has survived for two years By: via poetry falcon

ideally 6 would stay overnight at my dads and have a blast and we would get toddler to bed at a reasonable hour and have a couple hours to ourselves for a kind of date night in our own home without going out because that doesn’t sound fun to us but something always comes up usually toddler but sometimes us as well By: via poetry falcon

should probably take a break from the 6k today even though i don’t want to but the lawn is yawning to be trimmed so there’s that exercise in american futile beauty By: via poetry falcon

hell of a time getting toddler down for nap poor guy and then a very short lived one at that with fever coming back and me trying to get him back down but no luck so back to entertaining him to help his mind off the suffering and attempting to put a dent in the cleaning of this domocilic abode By: via poetry falcon

or not By: via poetry falcon

i confess to experiencing massive doses of anxiety and depression this last week my version of them related to thoughts/emotions of overwhelming responsibilities swarming in the night or day and rendering me unable to sleep or write very much among other things the only antidotes being meditation and slowly but steadily working in each thing until it seems breathable again but along that course there is no guarantee or hope that it will get better and the flames are quelled more arise but perhaps there is some confidence arising along with them the kind that is ok with immolation and knows how to make a sandwich amidst the blaze By: via poetry falcon

wife and 6 off to get her back adjusted it’s been way too long and then they’ll visit an orchard for sister in laws corporate realty party and then to my dads where 6 will spend the night after watching way too many movies and television shows and eating junk food By: via poetry falcon

toddler is extra sensitive to every detail of course causing me to set my own mode to CONSTANT NURTURE which is not my default setting By: via poetry falcon

the perfect size weight height width depth font whatever gushing over a book to the point of pushing your chance to vomit By: via poetry falcon

1080 pages or so depending on the edition By: via poetry falcon

the myriad characters and storylines are certainly fascinating but it’s the way he wields language on every single page that brings me joy By: via poetry falcon

toddler and i up late with a stomach thing then wife took her shift and i was back up around 4am but got him back down around 5:30am and we all slept til 8 thank goodness but still tired of course By: via poetry falcon

tried to start a couple different books but didn’t work out so started at the beginning of ij the book i just finished and my whole being is like AH THATS BETTER so i guess i’m gonna do the wraparound read at least for a while By: via poetry falcon

The aim of literature ... is the creation of a strange object covered with fur which breaks your heart. - Donald Barthelme By: via poetry falcon

D- For you, I gift you only this, this one thing that seems all I have for you and it is black as remorse sharp as obscenity enduring as neglect. It's name is anger rage, wrath. It is ugly and unkind and eats me instead of you. In the smallness of myself an echo pips white and wishes I could gift you forgiveness and grace, the twining arms of kindness. We both are through them set free. By: via poetry falcon

one more k By: via poetry falcon

turns out the 5k i’ve been running is actually 6k By: via poetry falcon

completed a first read of the big book ij and gave it 5 stars on goodreads because i love it and will read it again and i want to write that book damn but that’s a good way to read a book as if you’re writing it By: via poetry falcon

the falcon clutches a mint machete in its lightning talons above the red circle of the found forest floor By: via poetry falcon

my arms are bruised and sore from the previous blood draws as well as the unmentionables By: via poetry falcon

specialist says numbers are too borderline to call it the disease and i have to get two more blood tests to get more information... if i want to By: via poetry falcon

this after running 5k pushing toddler in stroller By: via poetry falcon

dr says the numbers are too borderline and she will call a specialist and get back to me soon she promises By: via poetry falcon

sitting still in the crackle before dawn a train whistle By: via poetry falcon

i hear it’s going around By: via poetry falcon

not much sleep too many things sorry if you didn’t sleep well either it’s a phenomenal headache right and the full body throb is to die for as we move forward anyway through jasmine glass shards By: via poetry falcon

these little boys are incredible i’m honored to have my ego eradicated by them repeatedly what else is there By: via poetry falcon

get the vertebrae properly stacked today and go through some hell with toddler but then pass out for two hours while he naps and when he wakes have strong run with legs feeling more like the horses they can be at times and gratitude arises before being bashed to pieces by homework and dinner and bedtime but always waiting in the silky background By: via poetry falcon

no run yesterday rest the legs while surfing the myriad depths and apex’s of chaos discovering ever fresh flavors of exhaustion not all bad in a bad way By: via poetry falcon

^ walt whitman By: via poetry falcon

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring, Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish, Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?) Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d, Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me, Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined, The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. By: via poetry falcon

in the action flexing with waves and particles By: via poetry falcon

since then too many experiences to have time to write which is the paradox By: via poetry falcon

the run was a glorious solo 5k topped off with a beer and a burrito By: via poetry falcon

i’ve been purposely not eating for a couple of hours and lightly hydrating because i run better on empty By: via poetry falcon

mommy arrives and the boys pile on they haven’t really seen her in a couple days and it’s almost a war for her attention By: via poetry falcon

6 and i scream as we let toddler chase us around the house him screaming as well and not really knowing what he’ll actually do if he actually catches us By: via poetry falcon

wife dings my phone she’s on the way home i might get to run alone without pushing the toddler in stroller and my body is like a dog on a leash who just spies a squirrel By: via poetry falcon

i put on pbs kids and shave my head and beard in homage to the sun gods of heat By: via poetry falcon

blood test results back today and i have no idea what they mean but even so i think they say i have this not a big deal disease still have to wait for dr to give me a call By: via poetry falcon

become a member of this channel and enjoy some good writing http://ift.tt/2hpdW5e By: via poetry falcon

she was home late not sure of eta today scanning the scene for a way to run but feeling dubious boys have been intense forcing me to up my game to sharpen the feeble torpor that quenches its own death crawl By: via poetry falcon

just the boys today wife doing union stuff she had a long day of the same yesterday By: via poetry falcon

I got words for days but no meanings By: via poetry falcon

a piece i love from the great writer Kelly Anderson reporting from Tanzania: Swallowing, I realized it had not been a dream. Thick syrup had been poured through a hole in my skull by enchanted mice because they thought I was one of the drunk, obese peasants born during the chalk moon. Maybe I am. I thought I was a motherless pig. So, I had been told. Maybe they are the same thing. Either way, there is the blood of pillagers to consider. Personally, I strived to be a Bohemian, a free thinker with only a stolen knife for protection with a fanatical mistress who keeps one eye closed for ten seconds before switching. It's an homage to Pushkin I think. Maybe Balzac. I don't know. I've never read either. But, I think I had been slammed into silence by a nonexistent author who worked with enchanted mice. This began a long time ago, and the work continues. I am a nonexistent masterpiece in this way. A harmless strange lie sitting on a bus with cannibals and Nazis. Most of them wr

boys in bed a sip of gin and words By: via poetry falcon

off the top if my head that was By: via poetry falcon

attitude is it the whole thing the spectrum is a plume of myriad plops pessimistic realistic magnanimous ebullient or overexaggerated confusiasm and more are all at the tip of our tentacles and yet how much choice does one really have under circumstantial umbrellas of painted hope and peeling fear being dragged by thoughts that are hulking mules sometimes yes a gap O the gap one for YAWPING to break loose the gum and twine stage props that signify identity and the rest can break my pigeon heart forever By: via poetry falcon

another 15 hour day with more tick-tocks turning the chronometer toward an unknown time of repose By: via poetry falcon

He replied "I only have questions" By: via poetry falcon

my friend writing of the painful wait at the dmv sends my thoughts howling I WOULD LOVE TO WAIT IN LINE SOMEWHERE AND READ MY BOOK but i agree that it’s hard to stand around waiting when there are so many another things we’d rather be doing and in the end the writer evokes human smiles from their faces and probably hearts By: via poetry falcon

a robot calls me from the school and says they’ve lost power and everyone is safe but they would like parental patience as they dismiss the children without their normal tools so toddler and i pick up some hop stoopid on sale and go sit on the steps to wait for the mustard bus By: via poetry falcon

back at home a cold shower is necessary as i’ve pushed it a little too hard and i’m a little overheated but this is my favorite feeling of a little over the edge and can i get back to safety the sweating won’t stop even as i put an ice pack that was on my groin a week ago now in my head wrapped in a shirt to cool everything down By: via poetry falcon

90 minuets on and off somnambulant and a few more reading in the humid 90+ degree heat when toddler awakens and we’re able to laugh together so he jumps in the stroller and i push him running without a shirt in spite of negative body image issues and i am wet with perspiration before we even get going By: via poetry falcon

and then the mother supreme of all meltdown get down tantrums where at one point i had to leave the house to catch my breath and hear something other than screaming and after a while jumped back into the fire and eventually got him to sleep leaving myself mentally emotionally and physically exhausted so i slept By: via poetry falcon

morning was like a series of landmines blowing off my legs leaving me staggering and discombobulated while ieds catch me sideways so fast i cannot tell where one came from before the next has caught the anguish of my attention By: via poetry falcon

i ask toddler if wants another run and he nods in the affirmative so i slam some ginseng tea and coffee to take away the feeling of an anvil tied to my skull and we go for a longer run around forty minutes or so and he takes a cat nap in the stroller while i'm sweating out the toxins and singing my flesh with sunshine By: via poetry falcon

barely made the bus again with 6 this morning then a little time for a sip of coffee before ecfe with toddler and then home exhausted trying to get toddler to nap but not having luck all that carrying him around for nothing By: via poetry falcon

part of me wants to abandon the whole procedure it has been so much work mental effort sucking up precious patience i need for my boys and sometimes wife however even though i love my boys more than life itself i can't imagine having another child i can't even handle the thought of going through all the baby phases again and when i hear that someone is having a baby or their second or third child i have a physical reaction that is most likely invisible to others but palpable to me so i will charge forward one step at a time and receive this procedure somehow someway because i've heard way too many stories from parents who were fine with two children and were done with it all and then whoops here comes another one and i can't handle that possibility By: via poetry falcon

reading ij [infinite jest] at the bus stop because we got there early and i'm obsessed with it at the moment the end in sight and i don't want it to end but the one dad says SPOILER ALERT HE KILLS HIMSELF and i half laugh and say YEAH I KNOW THAT THANKS and as usual there is an odd social gap with him even though i really like him he can be brittle or maybe has too much to deal with at his business that he spearheaded and continues to perform well so i ask him if he's reading anything good and he says no but he's watching the pbs doc on vietnam and how the first episode is must see because of how all the different asian countries respond to the vacuume there and how it leads to the war and they have very differen takes what their fighting for and why and then we talk about books some more and everyone has opinions about books music movies and it's interesting to a point but usually it seems like people are just trying to look cool to seem cool and you know whay i

little motherfuckers since the bus stop goddamnit By: via poetry falcon

and of course now wherever my back was hurting is now even more sore but there is no way to get the perfect adjustment at the perfect time and get enough rest and meditate with a straight back and have everything be balanced and wonderful so what is beyond balance that is already balanced with no manipulation and no meddling already perfect beginningless endless By: via poetry falcon

got a short little twenty minute run with good sunshiny sweat to prove it and a quick rinse before diving back into housework and tantrums and tickle fights and heading out to get the big guy 6 By: via poetry falcon

i keep trying to get him in the stroller as my running shoes and running shorts and running shirt are all reminding me that i really really want to run but he won't do it and then after about ten mintues or so i tell him he can't ride in the stroller becaue he is in the reverse psychology phase right now that works sometimes but not all the time and it works as he begs me to get in and ride so i get him strapped in and run run run as he points to squirrels and my cardio feels good but legs are flabby feeling and weak compared to a month or so ago when i was back up to doing a 5k every morning By: via poetry falcon

toddler won't get in the stroller though not even for chocolate so i give him the chocolate anyway as a sign of goodwill and we take a walk me pushing the stroller and him carrying his pretend cordless phone that we call his grandparents on and have pretend conversations with By: via poetry falcon

toddler wakes up and i decide to try and get him the stroller so i can run because i've been craving it so bad and feeling like crap and the scale said 202 at the doctors office which the highest i've ever been and my wife says i carry it well becaue i don't look overwheight but i can feel it and it feels lousy By: via poetry falcon

i let him sleep in his car seat when get home staying within ear shot while he slumbers i lay on a blanket in the sun just outside the breezeway and doze in and out of conscious half dreaming until i can't take it anymore and i flip over with the sun on my back and read from the big book ij and let the sunshine soak me full of the vitamins i crave even at the expense of dying from it i guess By: via poetry falcon

walk back out to the car with sleeping toddler and he wakes up as i put him the car seat which usually means a scream fest all the way home but i show him my bandaged owie on my arm and he smiles and giggles and then stares vacantly out the window and sleeps all the way home By: via poetry falcon

i walk into the clinic holding sleeping toddler his head bobbling on my chest as everyone silently or not so silently says 'so cute' and get checked in and sit down in the waiting area for a lengthy chat with a mom about her 5 year old her napping habits then i get called in with him still sleeping on me and they stab my arm and fill up two viles and the lab girl says she has Von Villa Braun [incorrect spelling] and it's not a big deal it's just good to know so you can let your tattoo artist or piercing artist or vasectomy technician know before they dig and i notice tattoos behind her ear lobes resembling crop circles and i know something is pierced but i don't know what and her eyes are piercing blue with black bangs and pony tail By: via poetry falcon

on the way to the next closest clinic the one where my doctor usually resides toddler falls asleep By: via poetry falcon

next we head to target to get some stuff we have to get so we get stuff done that needs get done-ing and we get a turkey sandwich chocolate milk and a double espresso on ice and i receive a message that our one little clinci by our house is the only one that can't do the blood draw and i can try any other clinic By: via poetry falcon

so i message my doctor and take toddler to library to pick up mommy's music cds but she has too many fines so we have to check them out on my zero balance library card like a boss By: via poetry falcon

toddler and i drive over there and they say yeah we can get you right in and they make the appointment for in like ten minutes and my phone beeps that i have an email about the appointment and so on then they call me back up and say they can't do it and there's all this confusion but they can still get me the flu shot so we do that at least and i ask the lab lady what i should do but she's in training so she goes and gets the other lady who gives me an explanation in clinic language that i don't understand but i can tell by her energy there's nothing she can do and she's afraid i might get very angry even though i'm smiling and nodding By: via poetry falcon

i call the clinic and we have this bad connection while trying to communicate confusing stuff and he puts me on hold for several minutes only to come back and we get cut off completely By: via poetry falcon

the original blood tests all came back normal and they didn't have enough blood left to do the next test for Von Villa Braun disease so my doctor sent out an order for another blood draw and said i could walk into my local clinic to get it done which i thought was great because then i could also get my flu shot which i do more for my family than myself which is another long long story By: via poetry falcon

an immense saga to get a few things done and the continuing and unfolding story of what is with my blood By: via poetry falcon

poured coffee into a cup that was made for coffee and after a minute or so toddler and i hear POP and coffee is trickling off the edge of the countertop ever so peacefully the cup split in two near symmetrical pieces as toddler and i look at each other then at the broken cup back and forth a few times so i take a picture and send it to wife because several glasses have broken lately in a house that rarely breaks glasses and this must be our dark of the moon message of course that is so obvious i don't have to explain it here By: via poetry falcon

also uplifting is the drop past quondam colored sleep cliffs followed by minutes of meticluous mellifluous kids bashed with blue brushes in suspended apothegms turning death decay into stray things as creamy and pansophical as octagons because age runs away from every predator barking and blowing obvious bells at night and day prey like a natural bastard of weight motion would say we've earned this trenchant treacle trickling down our cumulonimbus leather elmer evocation of glaborous space spires but nothing bellicose will come of concomitantly willing wang-jawed disciples of prosodic hanging energy sun swallowed by the ivory fool in a red vest By: via poetry falcon

a fortunate night of sleep abruptly awakened timelessly into whining crying tantrum dark of the moon no one getting ready everyone enveloped in being late and nothing easing the cinched clamp or cosmic knot from our unitary howling electric quiver By: via poetry falcon

we arrived home a few hours later than planned and i slept for an unheard of two hours as the toddler slept his three hours from getting a vaccine and a blood draw and mommy was interviewed by someone doing research on powerful women like her and then we got 6 from the bus and traded stories with him By: via poetry falcon

the disappointment of not being able to finish the procedure yet having all of the anxiety surrounding it was heavy however we can move on to the next and the next as the icy ice ices me down there in order to heal even this smallest of incisions that feels like a big deal to such sensitive human parts By: via poetry falcon

we did a blood draw and the labs came back normal now we'll test for Von Willebrand disease which isn't a big deal but good to know just in case one needs some sort of procedure such as this one By: via poetry falcon

there was too much bleeding from the initial poke something my doctor had never seen before in hundreds of this particular procedure By: via poetry falcon

mission aborted By: via poetry falcon

instructed to perform the obligatory pre-op removal of obstructing hair from the nuggets i find them tingling from the soothing mint gel that is pre-purposely designated for maxillofacial hair removal and i call out MINTY BALLS from the steamy bathroom because i am an immature idiot who happily carries the the moniker of fool By: via poetry falcon

apparently i should do nothing for a couple days even though the percocet will trick me into believing i can do anything By: via poetry falcon

getting snipped in the morning By: via poetry falcon

Not who you think I think I think I am By: via poetry falcon

I'll make a note to ask the stars about it when they come out By: via poetry falcon

Morning rolled slowly towards noon. The blue sky is crisp and sharp. The air has just a suggestion of a bite to it. Autumn's RSVP. By: via poetry falcon

sip of cold coffee By: via poetry falcon

at the bus stop with toddler waiting for 6 a motorcycle glides by blaring poppy organ music that was technologically advanced for the nineteen fifties as the white haired stern jawed male human scanned his environment By: via poetry falcon

like banging a tin can on a metal railing just hear and feel something other than logical illogical emotio-mental spewing from everyone out there and in here like a big water spout upward plume dinosaur neck come to kiss or kick you By: via poetry falcon

just wrote a few pages in flame thrower mode but feel like it's too much to siphon into this channel it just needed to happen for happy fingers and to burn up that old gasoline By: via poetry falcon

this day has been some adjective resulting in emotional torpor physical lethargy mental anxiety topped with confusion yet this is all clearly witnessed by the hidden torch By: via poetry falcon

perhaps i should perform some kind of banal typing job for monetary compensation since i've always loved to type even in typing class which i started in typewriters and ended with computers By: via poetry falcon

to be honest often it is the actual physical feeling of typing on my computer keyboard or typewriter or pushing the pen pencil or paintbrush or the physicality of vibrating strings that makes me want to make stuff irregardless [sic] of meaning or non-meaning or any end product By: via poetry falcon

forlorn sandwich symbols are erumpent kindness clowns allowably ardent of and with acrimonious crust cranking ether astro as crystal strict as diet pants and if spontaneous canaries dipped in cerise speared word-ploppers will the weeds of incalculable birch bubble redbeards on a nodular falcon they are all like a sleep flower stamped in heavenly bone shouldered bandits so supine in the hour of our sour blanket shimmering gossamer instructional abbreviations at the elastic hearthrobbing forever bourbon waterfall the bush hot bubbles of which are diablo donkeys sweating twenty oranges of sameness By: via poetry falcon

but the mess can be a small price to pay for a little time to read and write even though i need to get a bunch of stuff done ... don't we all ... need to get a bunch of stuff done ... all the time ... By: via poetry falcon

i ask him if we can play downstairs so that while he's playing i get some stuff done down there like hanging the diapers to dry and cleaning the cat litter and starting some other laundry and he agrees but then changes his mind and wants to go upstairs so we go upstairs so he can take out the board games and make a gigantic mess that no one alive will clean up except good old daddy By: via poetry falcon

toddler pretends to read to me sitting his little rocking chair and he has also been 'talking' non-stop for periods of the day with detailed explanations of some gran idea that only he understands having to do with various parts of the house and how they ineract he uses hand gestures to explain and describe his big idea but very few discernible words as of yet By: via poetry falcon

we read THE LITTLE TRAIN while i sip the best jasmine tea i've ever had that we buy from teasource down the street and i think i've read this book five hundred times give or take and i'm starting to like it By: via poetry falcon

grapes are gone and the whining and crying are blasting away at me time to go read to him and redirect energy over and over i love him but it's intense By: via poetry falcon

all the things they do there are based on research of how to help young minds develop and they are also all the things we do at home and at the park so it feels like we spent a bunch of money to do this same stuff but at least get out of the house and do them with other children and parents which will make a lot more sense in the winter i'm thinking By: via poetry falcon

while toddler does nom nom to a bowl of grapes i remember taking him to ecfe this morning which seems really good because i told him it is his 'school' which he likes because he sees his big brother go to school often and now he feels proud that he's doing the same By: via poetry falcon

i write all of this frequently interrupted by erupting toddler raging emotional vulcan but needed to write something about anything so why not something i feel some goddamn passion about and that is currently unreachable By: via poetry falcon