qwertymonk

as 6 got off the bus he reminded me he has no school tomorrow which i had totally forgotten about and as the realization washed over me so also did the beginnings of mental and emotional preparation not that it is for sure going to be a bad day but to get ahead of the energy to be my best and also become one with the possibility of a horrible day since low expectations plus disciplined preparation sometimes makes it all happen and flow with workability or not By: via qwertymonk

for lack of a better term panic attack for breakfast and i have to protect it from the problem solver who is in a whole other gear no fault of hers at all but not being able to comprehend what i’m going through i think it best to not try and describe it and fix it right away which rubs the opposite direction of our velcro nation the speed the aggression and i am part of it and once i stay with it whatever kind of demon monster it is eventually the tears come and they bring the gift of simplicity along like perfect ocean to sit and feel content within waves crashing about and the still deepness undisturbed by anything By: via qwertymonk

feeling some chops coming back which is good and bad but feels good to have a little more command over the instrument although i’ve never achieved the ability to emulate what my ear hears By: via qwertymonk

i was able to record a few tidbits and shoot them off to the guys for better or worse By: via qwertymonk

2 remembered the y’all i had with him yesterday that he could help daddy by letting him play guitar while he played with other things so we tried it and he was pretty good By: via qwertymonk

one second of meditation is all it takes today By: via qwertymonk

one second of meditation and he wakes up crying DAD By: via qwertymonk

i drink some water and eat some salad then sit down to meditate By: via qwertymonk

i crash hard as soon as 2 is down for nap and wake up a little bit later to cat meowing into the baby monitor to which i bolt down the stairs to get him out of the room before he wakes up 2 By: via qwertymonk

as i was telling K i go through phases where i do not listen to music at all and can't stand it really and then other phases where i the fire is blazing and all i want to do is listen to music and make music the latter being my current phase but i don't feel like i have control over these extremes By: via qwertymonk

mckjsjksoiqowofkfxnnbzbxnxkfoklaqpehtbynglflnsnsbxickfnsnpskcnenwoqpehtngofjdnsofkfnxmmzbxbckcodooajwhehttgnfnfksoxpckdnanzcmgkofossofpdowjhwbznxmxmfksokdjHEADACHEnxnjjcjkskalalkdjrjdbwhjajsjdndnsjzkkckfnsnsnnsjxkcknznznhshahqueififkejhajhokgnnrkskdkdnnxjfofoognfjfksjswbqbbzbzndfkkgkgkgndnnfjfkdsnsndnkdksksnndkdkskksjdkd By: via qwertymonk

jrkfildskanej ofiejso mznzhahsfpw xlsnsjfkfj kduwgakd TANTRUMS xzksnsbdkfkfm jbdzkaxk nznxjd xzoosw By: via qwertymonk

couple hours sleep and jshsiwheifofjdnsnsjxvxnxkksoajsjdjdjfjsjwieowoqjejfhdhxahabehrufgfjxndndvzbxncnckfkgooteuehswbrowhfocuwyebfjxnxmckdjshwywqywuriotoggkddnlfnfnzbhgahwuei By: via qwertymonk

the hour between bus and tkd is tense and hectic like frizzy hair on a humid day but somehow we arrive and i sit in a chair to place an earbud into each earhole and plan my next long slice By: via qwertymonk

two hours and counting of unrelenting tantrums is emotionally exhausting By: via qwertymonk

flexibility is invaluable yet at times elusive By: via qwertymonk

i put on PJ HARVEY to sooth the suckiness but he begs for what he calls DANCE SONG which is usually one of the new TSWIFT song i've heard over and over at his bequest so we crank up the dance song and i grab my guitar and jam out on it figuring out some things i could use later By: via qwertymonk

so we stop to play games and other junk By: via qwertymonk

make to morning with only one false alarm in the night and wake up feeling hollow vowing to melt your face with majestic shred but we try and 2 is the only one melting anything By: via qwertymonk

the big fat glorious green head of well made cup of matcha By: via poetry falcon

always enough light to know how dark it is By: via poetry falcon

up 3 times with 2 in the night By: via poetry falcon

contemplating the paramitas today: generosity of generosity generosity of discipline generosity of patience generosity of exertion generosity of meditation generosity of prajna discipline of generosity discipline of discipline discipline of patience discipline of exertion discipline of meditation discipline of prajna patience of generosity patience of discipline patience of patience patience of exertion patience of meditation patience of prajna exertion of generosity exertion of discipline exertion of patience exertion of exertion exertion of meditation exertion of prajna meditation of generosity meditation of discipline meditation of patience meditation of exertion meditation of meditation meditation of prajna prajna of generosity prajna of discipline prajna of patience prajna of exertion prajna of meditation prajna of prajna By: via poetry falcon

dusk beams slide through clouds and earth and old windows briefly splashing walls with saffron light By: via poetry falcon

somewhere in there during nap time sitting alive in our little shrine room was exquisite By: via poetry falcon

perhaps i should have just listened instead of interjecting my commiseration connective tissue but either way we were due for a misunderstanding and an argument which then became nothing but could again i suppose as 2 and i ride his roller coaster and finally i perform some lujong [training the body] and shave my head and beard always feeling closer to my monk brothers and sisters when i do that By: via poetry falcon

sunshine on frosted grass By: via poetry falcon

mommy gets home with cake mix and half birthday present for 6 the new t-swift album cause he loves her and then 2 opens his present from 6 and we all eat some candy and dance like crazy because we are wealthy in that way By: via poetry falcon

chess with 6 keeps getting better despite our not playing very often and afterward he puts some candy in a leftover box and scotch tapes pictures he drew to the sides as a birthday gift for 2 By: via poetry falcon

The Greatest … ~ Atisha The greatest achievement is selflessness. The greatest worth is self-mastery. The greatest quality is seeking to serve others. The greatest precept is continual awareness. The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything. The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways. The greatest magic is transmuting the passions. The greatest generosity is non-attachment. The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind. The greatest patience is humility. The greatest effort is not concerned with results. The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go. The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances. By: via poetry falcon

before that a month of sleepless nights up with weaning toddler two of those weeks terribly ill perhaps a test or a deep purification or just nothing as it is By: via poetry falcon

3 nights in a row with decent sleep life changing and it all started with a wrathful clearing of obstacles cutting meditation which continues through some hidden realm that is so here and yet unfindable yo By: via poetry falcon

junk food hangovers all of us it seems still it was so fun By: via poetry falcon

toddler = 2 now if i can remember 2 and 6 By: via poetry falcon

toddler is 2 today 6 is exactly 6 1/2 4 1/2 years apart exactly By: via poetry falcon

Keep Going ~ 16th Karmapa You keep going. That is the bodhisattva's way. As long as it benefits even one being you have to, without any sense of discouragement, go on. By: via poetry falcon

Alive ~ Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche "Meditation" this term has been abused. We should change this term to "Alive". Because no matter it is three minutes or five minutes, during the time of meditation, you're alive, you are consciously alive! At present, basically we are just like a walking corpses. When we drink tea, we are thinking of other things; when we looking at the beautiful trees, we cannot aware those green beauty. Alive is very important, but alive nakedly is even more important. By: via poetry falcon

me and my two younger sisters By: via poetry falcon

and he admits that his children have changed him well By: via poetry falcon

extremely generous human my father By: via poetry falcon

i love my dads we don’t visit often but when we do doritos cheetos and other junk we don’t normally ingest just for fun no big deal By: via poetry falcon

toddler turns 2 tomorrow and having a little party at my dads this evening By: via poetry falcon

i falls asleep on the sunlit sofa with a book full of profundity on my chest By: via poetry falcon

sending wife to her chiro appointment and then to another thrift store to find some things we need and i have a blast playing with the boys having lunch with them and getting toddler to his nap and 6 his ipod By: via poetry falcon

having more ideas about how i could have engaged differently with the negativity not that it would have certainly fixed but just good possibilities for next time By: via poetry falcon

and the band wants to get together later which would be so awesome to finally meet chopper and see what we come up with bjo[6]rn there as well the ever present pure heart but not sure it can happen with all of our considerations here but someday By: via poetry falcon

for my own purposes later: Mind Without Projection ~ Tilopa Stop all physical activity: sit naturally at ease. Do not talk or speak: let sound be empty, like an echo. Do not think about anything: look at experience beyond thought. Your body has no core, hollow like bamboo. Your mind goes beyond thought, open like space. Let go of control and rest right there. Mind without projection is mahamudra. Train and develop this and you will come to the deepest awakening. By: via poetry falcon

i know i'm a foolish fool and idiotic idiot just playing around with words and plastering them around for all to see whether they're good or not and perhaps i have glimmers of realization here and there or a nice sounding serious of vowels and consonants but the whole thing is blind from my end i don't know what's what and i kind of don't care on some level i mean there is the identity which cares a lot about how it looks and then there is just leaping beyond that and several humans have pointed out that there is vulnerability occuring in these writings and that it seems like a good thing and i guess that's what i want from others as well so why not let it rip By: via poetry falcon

anyway i'm left contemplating this whole exchange and wondering how i could have engaged differently to hopefully uplift the situation and bring him along or go along with him wherever he needed to go you know something like but perhaps it wasn't possible and it is what it is at this point By: via poetry falcon

the assumptions and negativity were surprising coming from someone who categorizes themselves among poets and artists and yet came blazing at me with this crappy crud and when i offered some counterbalances he deleted the previous comments that probably would have made him look dumb but was not my intention so when the whole thing was over i felt i should delete any leftover residue as a sign of respect to his future self and my own or something like By: via poetry falcon

i posted the above three bubbles as one poem across some other media platforms and ended up having to block someone on facebook and instagram which is disappointing because i don't like to reject anyone or give up on anyone but to be honest i don't feel that i have done either of those in my heart it was just the only message that made sense at some point and perhaps we'll meet again i'm certain of it By: via poetry falcon

elements dancing in mirror heart begging me to sit abide with them i can’t i say but they don’t care descending all around clear pure By: via poetry falcon

bliss is a circle of equanimous inclusion deepest suffering and profound joy inseparable no one around to meddle with it yet hearing the red cardinal song it By: via poetry falcon

it all falls away nothing to do about anything no occupation keeping anyone busy everything appearing as it is By: via poetry falcon

dawn is an invitation to have breakfast with a big pink whale By: via poetry falcon

exactly two years ago i sent in the manuscript for my first book and a couple days later our second son was born By: via poetry falcon

At Ease ~ Tilopa Like the state of space, the mind transcends thought. Set it at ease in its own nature, without rejecting it or maintaining it. When the mind is without objective content, it is Mahamudra. Through familiarisation with that, supreme enlightenment is achieved. quoted in the book A Spacious Path To Freedom: Practical Instructions On The Union Of Mahamudra And Atiyoga By: via poetry falcon

Appearances ~ Tilopa Oh my Son! Appearances of phenomena do not bind you to samsara, but attachment to them does. So, Naropa, cut off attachment. By: via poetry falcon

but the gin is helping By: via poetry falcon

as with most medicines it is a brief respite and the headache returns of course a beer can’t cure many days without sleep but it sure is a tasty treat By: via poetry falcon

medicinal By: via poetry falcon

so i'll have some kind of single hop single malt special ipa that was on sale at the municipal liquor store a month ago and is easing the headache away ever so gently but it could have gone either way By: via poetry falcon

a headache with both boys screaming at me for different reasons wife calling and i can't hear her over the din as she's stuck in traffic on the south side of town and we're trying to get through a mountain of homework with snotty toddler hanging on me pulling my pants down as i tend to the kettles on the open flames By: via poetry falcon

afternoon tea with an old friend is a rare luxury By: via poetry falcon

before dawn sitting still senses open to everything happening in ancient now By: via poetry falcon

my devotion for Tilopa runs deep in ways i don’t understand or care to included among the eighty-four mahasiddhas of ancient india and a founder of the kagyu lineage he exemplifies mahamudra and his biography always astounds me but again i don’t understand why and don’t care to i just listen By: via poetry falcon

Beholding Mind’s True Nature ~ Tilopa Gazing intently into the empty sky, vision ceases; Likewise, when mind gazes into mind itself, The train of discursive and conceptual thought ends And supreme enlightenment is gained. Like the morning mist that dissolves into thin air, Going nowhere but ceasing to be, Waves of conceptualization, all the mind's creation, dissolve, When you behold your mind's true nature. By: via poetry falcon

i woke up and slept another hour upstairs and then meditated in our tiny shrine room with the sun beams keeping me company through the window and my mala fetish in full bloom heart sparkel By: via poetry falcon

we walked a while and he fell asleep on me then i fell asleep next to him when i transfered him to the bed By: via poetry falcon

i changed his diaper in preperation for nap and we faught over whether he had to wear a shirt or not whch has been a common debate lately By: via poetry falcon

we enjoyed our chili with a glass of water each him trying out his left hand with the spoon because he had a truck in his right hand and that's the way he wanted it By: via poetry falcon

as it was warming we went upstairs and read about the great eagle from one Native American source and it was glorious By: via poetry falcon

we went inside to get warm and he chose vegan chili for lunch of which i commended him By: via poetry falcon

i always like to look up to take in the sky and there was a bald eagle soaring low circling around us and over us before heading EAST By: via poetry falcon

then he wanted me to bring him outside even though it's below freezing and he didn't want to wear any warm clothes so i did and we giggled at how cold we were By: via poetry falcon

did a chant i haven't done in over 16 years with toddler playing next to me and then he erupted again into furious spasms of irrational murder sounds but i finished the chant anyway figuring why not By: via poetry falcon

possibly unprecedented levels of sleep deprivation but moving forward and allowing the purification to slice through this skull throat heart guts By: via poetry falcon

the bright side this morning is that the cat puked on the faux hardwood floor instead of the old stained carpet win By: via poetry falcon

not for long was it there to have up every hour as the night before By: via poetry falcon

i cannot comprehend how quiet it is right here right now sipping gin By: via poetry falcon

you may be criticized and shamed by another human for honest human mistakes and then turn around not offer the same treatment to that human when they royally fuck up because you know you value their humanity more than money or the principle of making a mistake and in this simple way perhaps the learning can happen or not either way resting in this equanimity is winning beyond competition By: via poetry falcon

i just voted for positive change in my local election By: via poetry falcon

i will vote for change in my local election today yes i will By: via poetry falcon

grinding By: via poetry falcon

up late up in the night up early and all day the grind they call it By: via poetry falcon

existing in rhythms celebrating survival By: via poetry falcon

toddler won’t sleep won’t sleep won’t By: via poetry falcon

ipa By: via poetry falcon

making soup By: via poetry falcon

in the night or early morn we dance the sacred dance father & son By: via poetry falcon

a long night ahead sick insecure toddler needing our presence regardless of everything anything all things and we exhausted human units pouring ourselves over him with utmost grace or whatever you want to call it because what else can you do By: via poetry falcon

no gaining or losing hours amongst all the lost hours within time non- arising it is just the same By: via poetry falcon

simplicity truth is appealing form of wisdom By: via poetry falcon

Knowing the Truth ~ Ajahn Chah When we know the truth, we become people who don’t have to think much, we become people with wisdom. If we don’t know, we have more thinking than wisdom or no wisdom at all. A lot of thinking without wisdom is extreme suffering. By: via poetry falcon

drinkin black coffee black coffee black coffee stare at the wall - Black Flag By: via poetry falcon

i get to wake up early with our boys and their dog and all the bullshit that entails while they all sleep but at least she showed me how to turn on the coffee machine By: via poetry falcon

redacted By: via poetry falcon

sad middle of the night poem deleted you’re welcome By: via poetry falcon

conversations without logic or merit when staying up too late but emoting is sometimes necessary or not By: via poetry falcon

just listen By: via poetry falcon

out of the house glass of wine boys playing with older boys dog and sisters chatting watching a big tv a little By: via poetry falcon

i’m ok with writing bad poetry By: via poetry falcon

we get the itch make the call sil says come stay overnight so we trudge through the warzone to get all ready and finally arrive for whatever By: via poetry falcon

the only going out is going inward today By: via poetry falcon

sitting still on the ground a witness to the depth of lethargy until a heart spring pokes its tiny head up and there is an every so slight awake quality ready to dive in By: via poetry falcon

now they’re not gonna get checked out so i guess i don’t know what we’re doing today so maybe i should shut up for a while By: via poetry falcon

was maybe gonna get a little break to get out of the house go write somewhere or run or meditate whatever but it looks like wife and 6 need to go in and get checked out since they are still dealing with intense symptoms that seem to persist and i haven’t been writing about the vasectomy drama because i’m so sick of it but i’m at a point where i may let it die because we got copays coming out our asses and the thing ain’t cheap not to mention the stress of everything having to get done and me laid up for three days with a bag of frozen peas strapped to my balls hoping 6 doesn’t accidentally love me too much and i don’t get addicted to percocet By: via poetry falcon

i got the night off and to sleep in a little don’t know whens the last time that happened thx to wife for handling toddler through his wake ups i’ll see you tonight little dude By: via poetry falcon

wife finally home boys finally to bed psychic said i’m a good man but she sounds like she’s full of shit on some other stuff so i’m probably not a good man and i’m usually pretty pro psychic but this one sounds racist and sexist and confused about spirituality as well as reality but that’s ok who isn’t right By: via poetry falcon

in short running out of fucks to give By: via poetry falcon

my famous buddhist writer friend who still lives in new york and is younger than me once did a little experiment where i believe he was installed into a storefront to work on his next book but people could interrupt and meet with him and just chat about whatever and he came to the conclusion after meeting with many humans that we give too many fucks about everything and should probably stop giving so many fucks about everything and that's how i've been feeling lately as sleep deprivation erodes my boundaries and filters i feel like i'm giving less fucks about certain things that seemed really important kind of like having nothing to lose but not quite because i still do feel i have things to lose that would be extremely difficult and i contemplate them all day every day more or less By: via poetry falcon

patterns emerge and repeat reactions are the same way why so surprising when it is not By: via poetry falcon

and according to 6 he's doing better at school and seems to be receiving stickers and treats for positive behavior even recieving a lollipop for listening and focusing so well during a lesson which hasn't been the case lately but we're still awaiting official word from his teacher that he's doing better before ipod goes off suspension and he's asking and asking if we've received that email of course By: via poetry falcon

i did the same thing the next night and we're seeing some different aspects emerge the bright brilliant big hearted guy who wants to do better and be helpful but not without his incredible mischief By: via poetry falcon

anyway the night we got the letter it brings up so much anxiety for me and possibly more for wife but i ended up inuitively setting aside all housework and playing with him for an extended period of time which led to a drastic transformation in my opinion leading me to believe that he's been ignored somewhat due to all of our sickensses and struggling to get everything done By: via poetry falcon

i find myself very surprised getting letters of this sort from teachers who are acclaimed although perhaps too young to have encountered every kind of child they seem so baffled as to how to relate to him and i don't blame them but that is his gift YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM you can't fake it or pretend or just try to fix him and get around it but i've seen kids just like him at the playground and all the classes i've been to with toddler or perhaps i recognize a milder version of it since 6 has trained me so well By: via poetry falcon

the other night we got a letter from 6's teacher about her disappointment that he was saying 'whatever' to her and rolling his eyes and being loud distracting all the students in his class and others walking down the hall to the library and he was therefore detained back to his homeroom and talked to by the teacher which he reacted to with more 'whatevers' and eye rolling and the letter was long and it hurts a parent's heart to get these letters as we had gotten a coulple last year for behavior on the bus and something else i can't remember but he turned those around By: via poetry falcon

only if you attain such blissful states as i can you emit such bountiful prose and poetry from such mundane sources of inspiration trust me By: via poetry falcon

obviously about hole punch leavings By: via poetry falcon