qwertymonk

then nap for 2 and i wake up and shovel the driveway in spite of his stubbornness By: via qwertymonk

the rare coffee date with wife ten years together a couple odd to have time together short as it was but nice very nice By: via qwertymonk

To expect happiness without giving up negative action is like holding your hand in a fire and hoping not to be burned. Of course, no one actually wants to suffer, to be sick, to be cold or hungry - but as long as we continue to indulge in wrong doing we will never put an end to suffering. Likewise, we will never achieve happiness, except through positive deeds, words, and thoughts. Positive action is something we have to cultivate ourselves; it can be neither bought nor stolen, and no one ever stumbles on it just by chance. ~ Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche By: via qwertymonk

zombie of disappointment reeling from a night of heck new snow beneath full moon echoing changes to come By: via qwertymonk

6 is an excellent dancer he comes up with amazing moves so a couple years ago we enrolled him in a dance class downtown and i think it was kind of prestigious with parents watching through their high hopes but he just hated following directions and ended up hating going every single week but he's still a great dancer to his own rhythm By: via qwertymonk

all this stuff goes in phases By: via qwertymonk

6 got a golden ticket from school today that says ALWAYS TRY & DO MY BEST which is a big deal to the kids and he said it was for his excellent dance skills which makes me think they're preparing for chinese new year celebration he also got a good report from a friend who said he played with a bunch of boys and was able to control himself and they all had a lot of fun By: via qwertymonk

the happy human agent happy to sign us up for a bundling package at a remarkably low price and throw in a two hundred dollar visa reward card just for ordering today exclamation point By: via qwertymonk

tangled mess of texts and phone calls again By: via qwertymonk

and then the internet bill is almost doubled at a time when we can't handle any more expenses By: via qwertymonk

then while noodling around accidentally write a perky little carribean sounding thing that i will never remember and move on into other things By: via qwertymonk

i play and sing FELL ON BLACK DAYS the guitar vibrating against me body By: via qwertymonk

2 and i nap after class i feel a hundred years old and like i could sleep a hundred more with so much to get done just to keep this household afloat and no ambition to do so i sit down and play notes unplugged sipping tea peering out the fingerprinted window at tones of grey By: via qwertymonk

at ecfe with 2 we separate now for an hour while parents discuss and educate each other and it’s clear once again that no other parent has experienced what we have and i have so much i could say but it’s irrelevant unless you’re in it too and i know they’re out there the ones like us doing their own good work of the sad heart blade By: via qwertymonk

nothing more than squawks in the night leaving us to greet dawn differently yet i feel profoundly sad and like i should tend to this sadness with everything i have or do not have By: via qwertymonk

emptiness and compassion arise simultaneously inseparably like an exploding star broken heart By: via qwertymonk

not relieved by this meditate and cry and do the goddamn dishes and love like a motherfucker By: via qwertymonk

it’s adhd official diagnosis just found out we’re not surprised but it sucks just the same in many ways even though we’ll just use this to help him and us be best 2 tantrums me to death on the way to pick 6 until from bus and the sleepless nights stack up onto one another the adrenaline and lethargy coming and going as they please and i’m supposed to be calm and adult about everything and i am for the most part By: via qwertymonk

who or what continues to pour fuel on this the glorious bonfire of anguish By: via qwertymonk

then chopper sends out more tracks and they all kick ass too and we are scrambling through our miles long list of band names to decide what we shall be called By: via qwertymonk

trying to make breakfast for cranky little boys while listening to tracks made with chopper that bjor6n put vocals on with halcyon brother S and it all kicks ass so good By: via qwertymonk

stayed up a little late blowing notes for fun maybe post some of it today By: via qwertymonk

we went to the ice castle it was underwhelming for the boys and i but wife enjoyed the people and we all enjoy being done By: via qwertymonk

chugging away on the train getting it all done and as wife heads out to get some stuff she suggests giving the boys a movie so i can take a break which i hadn't thought of so i do it and record a few pieces and then take a shower before diving back int and once the movie is over maybe we'll have a snoball fight By: via qwertymonk

rare black tea in the iron gong and clean clean clean By: via qwertymonk

sunshine and over forty degrees is way above average and i would love a run to blow out all this stress and attachment however i think it will not happen due to circumstances beyond my control or at least beyond my continued effort so letting it be as it is By: via qwertymonk

he has a short nap as do i By: via qwertymonk

cleaning the bathroom between temper tantrums 2 and i finally head to home depot to take care of some unfinished business then we stop at the pet store to pick up food for king louie the turd and pet the kitties before driving around and waiting for 2 to fall asleep By: via qwertymonk

reporting the facts while sipping coffee By: via qwertymonk

i blow my top under the pressure and then weep for thirty minutes By: via qwertymonk

up at four a.m. all the usual complaints etc By: via qwertymonk

total high from the music By: via qwertymonk

catharsis in the bathroom singing songs with 2 and playing guitar By: via qwertymonk

so stressed out posting this to remind the mind By: via qwertymonk

It’s very important to understand what creates samsara, also called the realm of confusion. Samsara does not arise from external circumstances. It’s not tied to any particular object in the world around us. What creates samsara is how the mind habitually clings to its misperceptions of reality. ~ Mingyur Rinpoche By: via qwertymonk

6 blows me away by actually getting out of bed and taking a short shower getting dressed eating his breakfast and getting ready for school as 2 refuses to cooperate and mommy becomes late for work and i comb through details of how we’re going to accomplish all of this today by tonight with little sleep and lots of headache and unconditional love stabbing my thorax By: via qwertymonk

headache and hunger anxiety logistics sailing the sea of details on a perfect ship of crap By: via qwertymonk

up late with 2 again and i am weeping so sick of it all exhausted and de humanized a puddle of mush By: via qwertymonk

after a couple hours out there we return indoors for hot chocolate By: via qwertymonk

the air is so fresh the sunshine so pure the sky so sky By: via qwertymonk

i sit on a patch of cement that has dried in the sun and basically meditate while they tool around By: via qwertymonk

boys and i take care of the gigantic mound of snow and then take pictures playing in the snow to send to mom By: via qwertymonk

6 making videos on his ipad he thinks he wants to post them on youtube while i steel away to record a quick guitar spasm and post it just for sanitys sake before going to shovel more and more again By: via qwertymonk

the sun does come out changing moods and beginning its melt which means i need to get out there soon and shovel everything away from the house or we'll have an awful flood in our poor basement By: via qwertymonk

fourth time shoveling the driveway and there’s still a big pile to move that i scraped off the breezeway roof but got enough done so wife could get to work and the boys were up so we’ll have to go out again later to move that mass of bulk white precipitation with sore muscles fueled by coffee and perhaps some ginseng sunshine By: via qwertymonk

will wake up very sore to shovel some more By: via qwertymonk

shovel the big driveway three times while extreme parenting By: via qwertymonk

every swear word on repeat right now i can’t even believe it By: via qwertymonk

6 says he wants to help me write the song so i set it all up but then freaks out and melts down so we both end the session in a huff and get out the legos By: via qwertymonk

as the blizzard ramps up it's terrifically terrible beauty i make a shot of espresso and give 6 some chocolate vitamin milk while 2 sleeps and wonder when in the hell i can play guitar on this chopper track i somehow wrangled into the iphone app By: via qwertymonk

nap time is brutal and i'm so sick of nap times and bedtimes i will not miss them when the boys grow out of needing help with that By: via qwertymonk

6 flips from terrible attitude and behavior to helping me deal with 2 and actually playing with him in a way that helps them both and this what we've been seeing this possibility of an extremely brilliant young man who can use all of his energetic power for good right on the spot By: via qwertymonk

relieved to be off the hook for today but also wish we could this thing over with and the lack of sleep coupled with everything attached is probably making me a little crazy or a lot and perhaps i should stop writing make some music or not By: via qwertymonk

cry By: via qwertymonk

as the snowfall thickens downward the phone calls and texts flying back and forth forking and skewering and windmilling the dr wants to reschedule so everything has to be changed and several people notified and renotified and questioned as to what time works for them and who will watch 2 while we're away and the crying does help my mind become simple but that's just me perhaps it's not for everyone although i've heard from someone i trust it is one of the more helpful things to do with your time By: via qwertymonk

and an awful morning both boys doing their thing until i’m losing my mind and breaking down while on the phone with fraser and texting my dad about child care for 2 while we’re gone the flakes are buzzing around like fat white bees in anticipatory relevance By: via qwertymonk

what an awful night not a snowflake has wet the cement and we still have the appt this afternoon but if the snow really does dump i’m not sure what we’ll do that’s a long drive for such malarkey By: via qwertymonk

try to sleep again and the cat won’t stop jumping on my head By: via qwertymonk

drift back to sleep and the phone rings it’s the school cancelling due to weather By: via qwertymonk

and another By: via qwertymonk

painful interlude in the late night early morning By: via qwertymonk

sound music music sound By: via qwertymonk

as the body does the work the ear mind extrapolates compositional ideas onto one another experimenting extravagantly and silent By: via qwertymonk

tough one falls asleep easy easy one takes forever just want to play music but loads of work undone By: via qwertymonk

i heard recently it’s not survival of the fittest but survival of the most adaptable which makes total complete sense to me By: via qwertymonk

it’s a big topic i was able to sit still but needed a different system of learning i hated school and did just fine aced science without paying attention did ok in other areas when i could myself to care more than the teachers who aren’t receiving what they need By: via qwertymonk

the gender thing goes both ways in school and perhaps the move toward non-binary trans will help somewhat but i’m specifically fed up with shaming little boys because they can’t sit as still as little girls for seven hours By: via qwertymonk

the gender thing goes both ways in school and perhaps the move toward non-binary trans will help somewhat but i’m specifically fed up with shaming little boys because they can’t sit as still as little girls for seven hours By: via qwertymonk

also very skeptical of the schools and their gender bias toward girls it starts in preschool even with the best schools and i'm not the only one who sees it or is talking about it By: via qwertymonk

i am skeptical of western psychology very much so based on my experiences with phd holding members of that community who are great people but don't necessarily carry the torch of sanity and some are meditation students of mine and some are pompous assholes as is to be expected but everyone i've met at fraser is quite good so far as i can tell so far By: via qwertymonk

all this on top of the lists i have lying around crossing off this and that fixing this thing or that cleaning like crazy and contemplating everyone’s well being and diet while cleaning up their messes as i’m the first to be blamed for anything wrong or missed and in spite of that i feel grateful and honored because of the inherent integrity being fostered by being clear and working hard and channeling the whatever ancient primordial energy we all have access to and religions point toward and science is discovering or already has what else is there but the lightning singed corpse of right now By: via qwertymonk

i've seen this before By: via qwertymonk

and here's the weirdest thing: when i look at his astro chart i am positive they will find him to have adhd because of some really intense transits that would give any human trouble focusing and dealing with intense energy so it feels like they will diagnose him and then we'll try all these tools to help him and it will look like it worked to a degree all the while these transits are cooling off and giving him the ability to have more control and focus and empathy By: via qwertymonk

filling out mountains of forms an having his teacher fill them out going over her forms and crying calling insurance and the place to make sure everything is all lined up loving 6 unconditionally and yet having it be so intensly intense By: via qwertymonk

wife and i have not agreed on this for the past year and then we almost did it but we had the wrong insurance so she got all of that squared away and now it's covered so we'll pay our deductible and then other huge chunk is all good By: via qwertymonk

going through a lot we are taking 6 in tomorrow for the first of two tests it's a neurpsych thing that should tell us if he's on the adhd spectrum as well other things By: via qwertymonk

https://open.spotify.com/artist/2Gao6vrrYekLbEHrwsdQ1W?si=L4Y5GP7eTPCLIC6xVpsMtA By: via qwertymonk

6 and i make it to swimming lessons two minutes late instead of ten and i listen to the cavernous echo of aquatic reverberation before switching to DAVE KING TRUCKING COMPANY picking up lines and patterns and floofy clouds of insight to bring back to the swamp By: via qwertymonk

what parents do for children morning noon dusk midnight no one will ever know By: via qwertymonk

amongst the myriad mental loads in the background an idea and a possibility leads to more of them musically speaking By: via qwertymonk

tantrums and meltdowns all day while still getting stuff done exhausting and ridiculous but really real By: via qwertymonk

oh and i should thank daniel tiger more than anyone By: via qwertymonk

instead of accomplishing from the list i'm drowing from i take a little sidetrack and figure out some recording stuff with the help of google and audacity i get on of choppers tracks into the audacity program now i just need to figure out a way to record guitar during playback and perhaps we'll be cranking out some jams but first clean the bathroom etc etc etc By: via qwertymonk

short nap for me too but i have to wake up and order tickets for the chinese new year performance at exactly 1pm or they will sell out it is a special thing to witness all these young people fluent in mandarin chinese language and translating for all us whiteys By: via qwertymonk

thanks to my dad i get a run and a shower i make him a sandwich and we chat then get he leaves and i walk 2 around crabby until he falls asleep By: via qwertymonk

not that i am a perfect practitioner of this just that it becomes more and more obvious By: via qwertymonk

best not to be influenced by attacks or accolades By: via qwertymonk

we still don't have a band name By: via qwertymonk

love chopper tracks By: via qwertymonk

listening to chopper tracks from soundcloud ideas flowing in and out while getting stuff done wish i knew how to download them for recording and sending back maybe i'll figure it out By: via qwertymonk

getting stuff done By: via qwertymonk

green tea phone calls and forms By: via qwertymonk

headache morning bus rush time for coffee By: via qwertymonk

just get 2 back down after long tough night train and he’s still squawking and rolling so how can i relax and why do i expect too By: via qwertymonk

night train each moment on a death rail By: via qwertymonk

ecfe nap filling out forms hurry get gas groceries wine and lollipop wait at bus stop with MONK while 2 eats a snack hoping 6 did ok with his snack and lunch and everything else By: via qwertymonk

exploding emotion morning suffering on top of trying to get 6 to the bus it hurts i let it hurt there’s a further push and i see and hear myself cut through the bullshit finally have a captive audience who has no choice but to listen to the truth spew from nobody’s lips and the anger has no where to go in the sky so it might as well dance and it does By: via qwertymonk

6 konks out easy but 2 drives wife crazy for too long she hangs in and gets the job done i give massage and we talk strategy about work stuff then play blazing notes with leftover oil on my hands dr show playing By: via qwertymonk

and with side trying to work upstairs i’m in the awkward position again of attempting to keep the boys off her a lot of time spent this way and likewise her wanting to be with them but tied to the performance of her career no easy way By: via qwertymonk

we switch to playing the board game trouble and he beats me twice easy but then his head hurts too much from not enough sleep and we’re on an odyssey to caravan him to bliss By: via qwertymonk

fragrance of jasmine tea in the iron pot after a nap playing legos with 6 forever By: via qwertymonk

we get home early by our standards and the combination of delirious sleep deprivation cheap coffee from burger king blistering wind against the sweat beneath my clothing as i toss large shovel fills of white powder it’s all somehow orgasmic as the elements rip apart my obstructions By: via qwertymonk

figure out where ibp is and leftover hazelnut coffee on the burner our host has to work today i make peanut butter toast for 2 and cinnamon apples for 6 By: via qwertymonk

early morning with 6 headache By: via qwertymonk

very late night with 2 insisting we go home overtired and delirious it happens i finally get him to conk out and morning is a blip away By: via qwertymonk

then we divert to sister in law who’s two minutes away so we don’t have to trek through snow and still i have my guitar By: via qwertymonk

fine party but awesome that i had my axe with me for a little break from all the social By: via qwertymonk

productive and fun time in the studio with chopper and bjor6n but had to cut it a little short due to snow and changing party plans but all good By: via qwertymonk

the feeling that everything will fall apart and i won’t get to rock out or won’t be able to relax and wife will be distressed and angered by circumstances and in the midst are the glimpses that it doesn’t matter we can all suffer and it’s ok it can all fall apart completely and no one will die and if someone does die that’s part of living you have to die to live more or less By: via qwertymonk

wife and boys heading to mother in laws for a late xmas party while i’m getting a rock n roll studio tan and we’re trying to coordinate me getting to the party afterward like the cool dad arriving late with a guitar strapped to his shoulder smelling of good ale and musical buzz or not By: via qwertymonk

snow was predicted for 4 hours from now but we’ll take it By: via qwertymonk

right on cue snowflakes begin to float around the dralas descend By: via qwertymonk

the coffee really helps though it’s probably just the coffee By: via qwertymonk

cartoons for boys a rare day we don’t have to get ready for something and coffee and cutting apples for me sprinkle the cinnamon on and find a line through the cranky self protective shell to deathly impermanence and vast wealth of being right here drowning in richness an ocean of milk and honey as some have said and i stop everything let go of speed and just sit with my teachers instructions gently weeping with the kind of simple joy not separate from death By: via qwertymonk

heading into dark of the moon new moon on the way right around zero degrees snow on the way perhaps blizzard literal not figurative on the way although that could arise as well on the way By: via qwertymonk

man i get cranky and waking up to no space compounds the pressure but perhaps band practice will save me or not By: via qwertymonk

two hours sleep for me then 2 is awake crying for mommy but it’s my shift for another few hours he had rolled off the mattress onto the floor not a long drop but i’m sure a surprise By: via qwertymonk

by the time i get 6 to sleep i’m so frustrated tired and weary i fold clothes with anger energy and watch it subside but skip guitar too tired and disheartened to engage By: via qwertymonk

within a short break in the action i play guitar and learn a melody from a song i love and it turns everything upside down about music again or at least reverts me to the knowledge that learning horn lines on guitar is a really good way to get out of a rut where i think i know how notes go together and don't but learning any other instruments way of placing notes together is helpful and they borrow from guitar as well i've heard and i just want to keep shredding away and by shredding i just mean playing whatever i feel like slow fast quiet loud slapping staccato or langourous legato funk metal chromatic meltdown diminished spirals simultaneously descending into the nadir ascending to the apex of the zenith but tone time has to end for bedtime and then maybe after that more notes in space By: via qwertymonk