qwertymonk

naked sit green grass ferocious hot wind By: via qwertymonk

good to not know the best knowing is illusion wisdom is other than knowing fused with space By: via qwertymonk

i don’t know what to do and won’t for a while By: via qwertymonk

bomb dropped it’s bad By: via qwertymonk

awful time with the boys this morning on top of everything else By: via qwertymonk

bullshit everywhere is the essence of teachings on emptiness compassion inseparable By: via qwertymonk

If you prefer smoke over fire then get up now and leave. For I do not intend to perfume your mind's clothing with more sooty knowledge. No, I have something else in mind. Today I hold a flame in my left hand and a sword in my right. There will be no damage control today. For God is in a mood to plunder your riches and fling you nakedly into such breathtaking poverty that all that will be left of you will be a tendency to shine. So don't just sit around this flame choking on your mind. For this is no campfire song to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with. Jump now into the space between thoughts and exit this dream before I burn the damn place down. - Adyashanti By: via qwertymonk

Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretence. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true. - Adyashanti By: via qwertymonk

everything i thought was sacred everyone is being shown as illusion and this is good news because the truth in death would swiftly arrive anyway so what luck to have death’s secrets revealed while still living By: via qwertymonk

thing after thing taken away is the path to no more path By: via qwertymonk

tons to accomplish metric or otherwise too much really won’t happen so i’ll sit here and admire the rainbow refracted onto the cheap shower wall while the boys elevate the level of alarm nearby By: via qwertymonk

"Anything you give your attention to tends to grow. Attention is a very powerful commodity." —Adyashanti By: via qwertymonk

feel like i’ve been plugged into that lightning for several days and just when it seems to subside and release another surge of voltage for who knows how long By: via qwertymonk

reflected from the surface of the perfectly murky swamp spiky brilliant blades of lightning By: via qwertymonk

so much speedy aggressive anger in this world the heavy heaviness if things so important too important illusion but a powerful one By: via qwertymonk

went for a run By: via qwertymonk

up in the night with 2 and then up early By: via qwertymonk

i know that’s not all there was too it but it was a simpler time for this blob of consciousness By: via qwertymonk

i confess nostalgia for living a in shitty studio downtown or a room in a friends house and having very little responsibility just be kind at work and then go home and write meditate exercise make art study stuff drink and eat well and watch movies and listen to music By: via qwertymonk

on and on By: via qwertymonk

house cars kids yard fridge roof solar panels landscaping schools adhd terrible twos By: via qwertymonk

it won’t matter either way By: via qwertymonk

maybe we’ll do it By: via qwertymonk

there is also no ground for knowing exactly what that means By: via qwertymonk

there is no doubt By: via qwertymonk

i love her By: via qwertymonk

i see this over and over through all the changes and projects she takes on and therefore i take on By: via qwertymonk

during the concert we enjoy the nature but not really the music while discussing the whole thing but it feels like her justifications are based on fear and mostly convenient toward this new idea that might bring her some security of mind By: via qwertymonk

it’s a good school but we just got things set up to accommodate 7 at his current school and it has been so much work and to change it all will b even more so By: via qwertymonk

i am overwhelmed with a rush of thoughts about what it would entail to accomplish this task By: via qwertymonk

on the way there wife drops a bombshell that her and some friends at work think we should switch 7 to a non-chinese immersion school nearby By: via qwertymonk

we get home several hours later and prepare to go to a concert in the park i had forgotten about By: via qwertymonk

you gotta pick your tantrums By: via qwertymonk

why do i give him so much power you may wonder By: via qwertymonk

can’t play music without tyrant 2 shutting me down By: via qwertymonk

7 and i do our best to let 2 fall asleep on the drive home but he wakes up when i get him the house and now it will be an interesting afternoon and bedtime adventure By: via qwertymonk

boys and i station ourselves at windom park where there is currently no restrooms and the iced espresso i prepared earlier is pressing my bladder into silent screams By: via qwertymonk

no drinks for dad last night nor anything else just screaming kids and worried wife picking fights and me getting hooked and then unlatching the barb more or less By: via qwertymonk

might be time By: via qwertymonk

been a long time since i had a scotch By: via qwertymonk

tried taking 7 grocery shopping and it didn't go well as before not that he's not entertaining to everyone there including myself but i spend the whole time being his frontal lobe executive function so he doesn't break something or run into people or just leave the building into the busy parking lot oblivious to traffic when he's unable to regulate he is hilarious and cute and fun but also in very much danger and it's hard to do something you dislike concetraiting on like groceries when you've got wild donkey on the loose By: via qwertymonk

again up late with 2 he wakes up a few hours later i soothe him i can't get back to sleep anxiety depression about everything i sit in the little shrine room at four or five in the morning i sit with it and allow it to be allow whatever thinking i'll be able to go back to sleep and sleep in a little but instead i go for a run and take a shower and play guitar and now i'll write and eat and drink water until they all wake up and need me need me By: via qwertymonk

runnin and gunnin By: via qwertymonk

achieved the impossible by getting 7 to cooperate and allowing 2 a nap getting 7 his ipad time and me a nap and some axe time but now it's time to wake everyone up from their quiet time and move into the stainless unknown By: via qwertymonk

but it's far from over there is still the process of reviewing the IEP and signing off on it and then constant monitoring to see what's working and what isn't plus finding the right kind of family therapy for all of us By: via qwertymonk

we are extremely fortunate to have installed this IEP for our son and that it even exists is miracle the team we're working with seemed seasoned and ready and all the appointments and phone calls and endless emails have led to this one thing to help him get through school with a genetic developmental delay that he will eventually outgrown more or less in a way that he learn like others similar to him By: via qwertymonk

second grade is a big deal at chinese immersion when they introduce english class for the first time up until now everything has been only in mandarin and i've been teaching him english at home which he has learned somewhat but they also crank up the math and he loses some chinese understanding over the summer so i've set up a program to keep him connected to all three throughout the summer and he is fighting tooth and nail for less of everything which his job apparently even though he says he wants to push himself and be totally prepared for second grade also they only have one teacher in the classroom as opposed to two in previous years which is a huge change for someone like 7 who needs constant one on one interaction to stay involved and not lash out in negative ways By: via qwertymonk

rainy day breaking up fights By: via qwertymonk

more or less By: via qwertymonk

wife caught a catering gig for the day how lucky for us and i’m a little jealous i don’t get to get outta here but she’s the professional at that and i’m the professional here By: via qwertymonk

eventually it’s gotta come out By: via qwertymonk

7 has a dangling tooth bothering him enough to not eat he won’t pull it or allow it to be pulled and he’s already lost a few pounds in the last few months getting too skinny the stuff of worry for worried parents By: via qwertymonk

up really late with 2 and then early again he’s a monster lately normal coupled with adhd it’s so effing intense here sometimes and i can’t say i’m always patience calm and collected By: via qwertymonk

last day of school we made it now all the next challenges mixed emotions about everything By: via qwertymonk

listening to shakuhachi music the saddest music on earth japanese bamboo flute masters By: via qwertymonk

glad to have a friend visiting today By: via qwertymonk

everyone gets where they need to go somehow and 2 digs in with the needling to play trains to do this do that screaming at me when something is a little off i live in a house terror toward the ego identity how did i become so goddamn lucky By: via qwertymonk

7 got dressed but would not eat 2 would not cooperate at all wife needed to leave early compression compression everything heightening and then we all hear the cat puking in the kitchen and 7 asking me why dont i just go clean it up when i tell him that i can't because i'm getting everyone else ready he says that's just an excuse By: via qwertymonk

really real unrealness catastrophic illusions colliding colluding combining disintegrating the disolution a bald moon on pond water By: via qwertymonk

who knows By: via qwertymonk

today a little better so far By: via qwertymonk

rough one yesterday By: via qwertymonk

still working on it so tired By: via qwertymonk

try had given him some pain meds and then he became extremely upset that he had to get surgery very worried but when the meds wore off and the pain returned he was screaming to get into surgery right now and then they gave him a little more pain relief while we waited for an operating room to open up By: via qwertymonk

he was in so much pain it was difficult to witness but holding his hand calming soothing the terrified human is all By: via qwertymonk

procedure completed waiting to see him By: via qwertymonk

right now By: via qwertymonk

appendix coming out By: via qwertymonk

we’ll figure it out By: via qwertymonk

so little sleep the last several days By: via qwertymonk

wife and 7 just pulled away headed to the ER while 2 screams at everything i do and i’m crying at the visual of 7 crying By: via qwertymonk

7 wakes up early with bad tummy pain we go through all our bullshit detectors and call the nurse she says bring him in By: via qwertymonk

up late and early with 2 again By: via qwertymonk