qwertymonk

love it By: via qwertymonk

eighty degrees By: via qwertymonk

the painful earthy reality of finding out you've hurt someone deeply in contrast to thinking they were ok and slowly stepping into taking responsibility for actions and non-actions By: via qwertymonk

drums of west africa moved me today By: via qwertymonk

shoveling dirt guiding the children of the neighborhood By: via qwertymonk

out in the sun most of the day By: via qwertymonk

up at three twenty three with 2 he went back down fairly easy erratic sleep for me thereafter and a nightmare but it was like a movie and hard to take personally By: via qwertymonk

worked hard took breaks made soup By: via qwertymonk

thoughts and feelings go up and down pain and pleasure always dancing a jig fame and blame and wealth and poverty any other dependent dichotomy the witness is always aware By: via qwertymonk

i lie down for an hour or so while 2 naps and feel my body working intensely on something either a bug of some kind or the usual transition into spring that always brings about a difficulty for my body wife comes home early to work from home before our meeting at the school about second grade and i make her a mocha while sweeping eating a light salad sipping honey apple cider vinegar and listening to some newer bill frisell stuff that is excellent By: via qwertymonk

it is unfortunate than when a disability needs so much attention to get the needs met elsewhere is impossibly demanding and time consuming we definitely have a problem with disabilites in this country and i haven't even quoted my poet friend who constantly confronts this issue By: via qwertymonk

get 6 to the bus and wife to work while trying to clean along the way and then fill out ever more forms for school take a break and crank the amp all the way up while 2 watches an episode of his favorite show daniel tiger then fifteen minutes later continue filling out he waterfall of forms and online gizmos for our meeting tonight about what's the scoop with second grade By: via qwertymonk

was planning to run again after a few days off but 2 kept me up and then a stomach bug By: via qwertymonk

played until my hands could take no more then 2 woke up from nap now every time i try to play there is catastrophe of course and we’re having a helluva time getting any homework done in this spring weather By: via qwertymonk

surprising By: via qwertymonk

louder than i remember By: via qwertymonk

loud By: via qwertymonk

enough money to possibly fix up old swamp ash and get another guitar depending on what it needs just happy to finally have some movement in that area although still some fear lingering By: via qwertymonk

relieved By: via qwertymonk

traded my white guitar for an amp and some cash made out ok By: via qwertymonk

pulled the trigger By: via qwertymonk

busy with ecfe bills and emails and phone calls and 2 needing constant feedback and we go outside and deal with his fixation on a toy tractor as soon as he seems content i run in and grab my guitar bring outside and play some monk in the sun and wouldn't you know it after a minute he needs me so we put that fire out and i resume my swinging chromatic tritonic altered fake jazz jubilee for one more minute and then he needs me i think he's just fucking jealous of the joy i derive from playing music or something but i haven't played or listened to much again the last few days and it eats away at me like not running like not meditating or doing something other than worry about what needs to be accomplished so this is my splash of words for now and i like the big red dot for some reason i cannot explain just like all the other avatars they come and go By: via qwertymonk

weeping helps a little as more minor catastrophes occur and it takes an hour to get 2 into the car to get groceries but somehow wearing a t-shirt and shorts to the store is cheerful they play some good jazz on the jazz and traffic station for a change and all the ladies and gentlemen trying to look cute in their spring gear while shopping and they do very much By: via qwertymonk

overwhelming morning myriad storylines crashing wave-like i guess and sometimes it feels as if one is just eating everyone else's shit with a big smile so they don't have to deal with it another martyr type thing i suppose so i sit on the wood stool and grieve By: via qwertymonk

still shoveling snow away from the house to avoid flooding but performing the task in shorts t-shirt and crocs is a little different than last time By: via qwertymonk

quite a contrast By: via qwertymonk

one week ago shoveling seventeen inches of snow with more falling falling and now this weekend in the sixties and sunny with snow melting like crazy and our flesh becoming tinged By: via qwertymonk

outside all day is good taking care of house stuff is sickening i always thought i wanted a house someday but i was wrong By: via qwertymonk

early run again but shorter tired body aching head all good By: via qwertymonk

so grateful to my dad for bringing us our favorite ecuadorian food By: via qwertymonk

ups and downs anxiety and open sky sun beams bouncing off snow and flesh By: via qwertymonk

get the boys out into the sun mud and snow and a neighbor comes over to play it’s all new to us again but quickly not By: via qwertymonk

brief respite after hours of labor shorts in the backyard sunshine green grass and snow drifts mingling in my startled perception the sun on my flesh welcome and warm all the way in there By: via qwertymonk

streets and sidewalks completely dry and lined with applauding snow banks as i run bundled sweating as the sun rises again By: via qwertymonk

got up early and ran in spite of being awake half the night with 2 might as well be tired and happy By: via qwertymonk

play guitar on the sunshined front step then vacuum By: via qwertymonk

flamethrower mode to get everything as clean as possible and survive the weekend and perhaps live life well By: via qwertymonk

way behind on cleaning from focusing on everything else By: via qwertymonk

got up early and ran By: via qwertymonk

wake up spinning so many things to figure out thoughts flying and swirling assembling themselves into a gigant train robber anxiety but one thing at a time and the thought of impending death pulls the rug out from under them nothing is so important to get so worke up By: via qwertymonk

in my heart i don’t wanna do anything or plan anything to do By: via qwertymonk

2 in the bath 6 on his show shot of old grandad and some old blues on swamp ash By: via qwertymonk

not much time to listen or play music the last several days busy busy early morning meeting at school to set up a 504 for 6 and then birthday breakfast with dad but plans are always so stressful even if they are for a good purpose or reason as 2 has been quite bipolar lately which is normal for his age but man is it hard to accomplish anything at home or abroad with that kind of energy and my patience is continually tested what did i expect By: via qwertymonk

it’s usually sixty and cloudy on my birthday and it feels cold but forty and sunny will feel warm today By: via qwertymonk

wife returns with birthday sushi and food for the boys so not only do i not have to cook but my palette is ecstatic By: via qwertymonk

several inches melted already By: via qwertymonk

i’m such a homebody martyr wife says go out and do something and instead i sen her out to do things never fails but playing with the boys is hilarious today By: via qwertymonk

around twenty inches officially more and less in different areas just shoveled another four or five inches took about an hour with the boys in the way and me on high speed but the little sunshine on the bright white blanket was worth it now all sweaty and worn out again By: via qwertymonk

rough time sleeping after that episode with him coughing in the monitor and my own hallucinations haunting me keyed up is what i get after being woken repeatedly and now frustrated and tired and cranky and the snow has stopped falling lots to shovel but not as much as yesterday By: via qwertymonk

snow has not stopped falling may continue until one or two in the morning By: via qwertymonk

still snowing non stop incredible By: via qwertymonk

boys and i go out into the continuous snowfall and go crazy for thirty minutes then come back inside and go crazy then have a snack as wife gets home with groceries By: via qwertymonk

headache prevents sleep but lie there and rest anyway By: via qwertymonk

few hours shoveling now i lay down has not stopped snowing and probably won’t until early tomorrow morning By: via qwertymonk

i think it was surprising for her but i wouldn’t want to assume By: via qwertymonk

after months of working late and weekends wife gets to experience the boys all day By: via qwertymonk

seems to be around a foot so far give or take and still more coming down shoveling will be grueling tomorrow especially where we’re plowed in By: via qwertymonk

i know not their numeral By: via qwertymonk

inches and inches By: via qwertymonk

non stop By: via qwertymonk

alternating between white out and fat white flakes By: via qwertymonk

couple inches forecast for more all day By: via qwertymonk

wake up to snow By: via qwertymonk

2 begging for me in the night so we did that By: via qwertymonk

hail By: via qwertymonk

doing the best i can but wish it was better By: via qwertymonk

boys have been awful all morning as the barometer drops and we move into the dark of the moon By: via qwertymonk

boys ganged up on me and i had a good cry the first of the day so far but then i isolated the fridge circuit so we don't overheat the wires and become engulfed in flames which i secretly hope for at times but not really for real and then paid some bills i don't understand but am sick of calling and figuring out and emailed the clueless special education guy at school who doesn't seem to understand how actually communicate or even figure out what is most helpful he seems stuffed into a sock of what is the easiest for him and his school to handle which i understand but will not tolerate By: via qwertymonk

then we get the fridge repacked with food and it looks great By: via qwertymonk

the solar deal seems expensive but ends up not with different tax thingies and power company rebates there’s a little sweet spot right now that might be going away so we’re thinking we’ll jump in and be solar why not By: via qwertymonk

new fridge barely in and the solar guy shows up as the boys go for blood fighting inside the giant cardboard box that is a necessary rite of passage when you’re a kid and your parents get a new fridge By: via qwertymonk

back at home it's the mad dash to get any cleaning done at all as well as lunch in their bellies and the fridge ready for whenever they pick up the new one and every time i turn around i have to help someone with some big thing that is the most important thing in the universe By: via qwertymonk

couldn't have asked for a better teacher for 6 she was labeled mentally retarded by her first grade teacher and had poor academics due to trouble with focusing but went on to get a masters in special education and understands some of our sons issues not all but some By: via qwertymonk

not that i played as well as them by any means but just to play along and find the melody notes of the head and then fudge through the changes a bit with a couple good lines and many mistakes is it By: via qwertymonk

get dinner simmering and sit in with BIRD and SONNY ROLLINS blaring through the spotify what and honor By: via qwertymonk

of course i say this from a place of privelage of having had access to school when millions do not but the idea that school needs to dictate how we treat human beings is overdone in the parenting realm of bs By: via qwertymonk

i am so sick of that excuse By: via qwertymonk

. FUCK SCHOOL ! . By: via qwertymonk

we want to change people who we think don't fit what we deem to be normal and especially from the parenting point of view we say BUT THEY WON'T DO WELL IN SCHOOL in a whiny voice but may i just say this as loud as i possibly can: By: via qwertymonk

on the other hand i learn little things like that all the time by just being with the boys listening watching learning and adjusting so do we really need all the extra stress plus a thirty dollar copay probably for a while By: via qwertymonk

but then we leave and it's just fucking hell all the way home and when we get home and i'm exhausted and frustrated that we've had to add all this extra bullshit to our already intense situation of tantrums and tempers erupting By: via qwertymonk

good to have that tool By: via qwertymonk

did notice one little thing that will be helpful between the boys something i already knew but didn't know how to wrangle having to do with communication versus just doing whatever you want By: via qwertymonk

i know i should give it a chance and what else can i do but that by going to more sessions and checking it out but part of it is being openly critical so that's what i'm gonna do By: via qwertymonk

expectations and all the made up malarkey we believe or want to believe By: via qwertymonk

struggling By: via qwertymonk

struggle By: via qwertymonk

brings me back to the idea that thinking there is a problem and trying to fix it is the actual problem By: via qwertymonk

love our therapist but hated therapy and the difficult transitions it creates By: via qwertymonk

and the struggle to make it to family therapy By: via qwertymonk

tantrums zombies and two poops in the red diaper By: via qwertymonk

keeping up with little boys housework bills appointments etc etc on and on is impossible and will not happen in any routine way in spite of what all the advice books say those things really piss me off sometimes but i get it too just trying to help By: via qwertymonk

i hate being this busy but will surrender to the flow best i can By: via qwertymonk

tomorrow there is so much going on my dad watching the boys in the morning so we can go to 6s conferences then wife will be volunteering at book fair while we wait for our new fridge to arrive and then the solar panel people come out probably at the same time to tell us that it will cost more than a new car and we can't do it all while trying to get 2 down for nap and entertain 6 and his increasing boredom By: via qwertymonk

i notice if i don't post something creative once in a while i get really depressed and thats not good for the family so i will be creative for the benefit of others and post it good or bad quality who cares it's just a blip on the long curve By: via qwertymonk

ecfe yesterday showed me the level of arrogance that arises when one thinks they've suffered more than others and it is so powerful when other parents describe they're intense difficulties and i want to laugh in their face because compared to what we've gone through they sound like whiny little babies but i know i know that they are at their own current threshhold and there is no comparing that suffering is suffering and has no parameters just like mind because of course By: via qwertymonk

boys and i will see our family therapist this afternoon By: via qwertymonk

four days in By: via qwertymonk

6 off school for a few days and we're on a second try with a different kind of meds the non-stimulant kind the psychiatrists were wonderful not what i expected and the meds are so far without side effects other than perhaps a little tiredness By: via qwertymonk

just riffing By: via qwertymonk

not the same not separate interdependent on a such a profoundly intimate level it escapes all examination but intuitively can be witnessed fleeting between nano things By: via qwertymonk

writing poetry short stories music making art handling raw materials studying astrology religions science it's all there to exacerbate the connection which is there because we are not separate By: via qwertymonk

everything we do is only to assist connection human and otherwise By: via qwertymonk

nothing is as real as we think it is By: via qwertymonk

thoughts and feelings swirling around about it aren't really any more real than anything else By: via qwertymonk

i don't know why i write or don't By: via qwertymonk

the world the universe comes down to sound vibration so that's all there is at times By: via qwertymonk

https://t.me/mintmachete By: via qwertymonk

new sounds recently added By: via qwertymonk

You must surrender whatever preconceptions you have about music if you're really interested in it. - Cecil Taylor By: via qwertymonk

listening to SHAKUHACHI masters on spotify reminds me of the time i saw a BUGAKU performance on the side of a mountian in front of a SHINTO shrine to the sun goddess AMATARASU a very vivid and deep memory i doubt i will ever forget By: via qwertymonk

more and more shoveling with sore back arms legs spirit but the sun is out all day and in spite of the low temp the dark areas of the ground catch and hold that heat healping the melt on By: via qwertymonk

hours and hours they finally fall asleep By: via qwertymonk

shovel a foot of snow off the driveway so 2 and i can get 6 at the bus stop and then return to shovel the rest so that wife can get in as well while both boys are complete a-holes the whole time and extreme frustration seems to be the steam that keeps the shovel moving By: via qwertymonk

i think i just write about music and weather because i'm sick of writing about parenting my original idea of this channel was to write as creatively as possible about what was happening throughout my days as a stay at home parent but the desire to do that has left me and i don't mind By: via qwertymonk

looks like almost a foot of snow on our backyard picnic table so far and a lot more to come yet it's melting in the street so in a couple days will most likely be near gone By: via qwertymonk

the sad spring snow pulls me back to COLTRANE as i play a couple of his tunes without a pick so as to avoid more rsi and my arm seems to be healing but i want to be careful and then put some TRANE on the speakers as he rides his SUNSHIP into STELLAR REGIONS through INTERSTELLAR SPACE or just LIVE AT THE VILLAGE VANGUARD for cleaning time taking a quick break for some CHET BAKER the great and then back to some haunting HAPPY APPLE peppered with rock and avant-jazz out there with the greatest great greats By: via qwertymonk

blizzard continues By: via qwertymonk

i step outside and listen a welcome eery quiet as everything is sound proofed by the fluffy white flakes then a couple birds blow a note or two and back to soft sound By: via qwertymonk