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having said it i took 6 out both of us ill as dogs from hell and he had a blast with our 3 year old neighbor girl it was mutual and my grin was wide as i witnessed their pure joy and then several hours of hell followed which seems to be the price of the theme By: via poetry falcon

i hate halloween for logical reasons for emotional reasons i’ve heard all the arguments i’m not trying to convert anyone only express they are my reasons i hate halloween By: via poetry falcon

bunch of words on a broken mirror find your own salvation By: via poetry falcon

death’s causes are many life’s causes are few By: via poetry falcon

it’s not what would you do if you won the lottery it’s you’ve already won the lottery now what are you going do about it By: via poetry falcon

born on to a death train aging and sickness as scenery along the way yet all is a hairs breadth from completely sacred By: via poetry falcon

ordinary suffering extra ordinary anguish what did we expect By: via poetry falcon

care for everything that helps or hurts this world on its way to death and yours By: via poetry falcon

peel a hundred apples draw a thousand pears write music on a train make poems in the hospital and lie to me that you’re not living By: via poetry falcon

like sound paint words space By: via poetry falcon

not to actuate anything in particular but inhabit whatever happens by By: via poetry falcon

moving through miraculous mud not so much to say as to be it By: via poetry falcon

everyone slept through the night unbelievable By: via poetry falcon

somnambulant is now By: via poetry falcon

walked toddler around lullabying for over an hour as wife gets home from her twelve hour catering shift and now to try and get overtired 6 to sleep and some rest myself before the nocturnal onslaught or not By: via poetry falcon

of course it is noble to make a living and an honest one hopefully but this habit of always needing more income instead of cutting back and looking in the wrong places for what to cut back or where to work harder is what i'm noticing and where i'm trying to peronsally do better By: via poetry falcon

not so sure about trying to make money never was By: via poetry falcon

we don't know when she'll be home and we don't know if i'll be able to get the boys to bed alone since history has shown i am unable of course i am a little anxious but i have some new plans to try out and see what happens worst case is that we're all awake really really late and finally get to bed and sleep in a little bit and only have one day to get all our shit done and our shit together for another busy week but it's good money right By: via poetry falcon

wife just called reporting that she's between catering gigs the first one being the most bizarre she has seen which is saying a lot and the second has a sign out front which says NAKED PIZZA PARTY and a red arrow pointing the way she's been gone since 9 am to get us stuff from target and 10 am to go to catering By: via poetry falcon

some of these poem type things get formatted weird on smart phones but i guess you can turn your phone sideways and see the real deal if you want to or not By: via poetry falcon

gliding rictal node to node we are space anywhere awake as flashlight people are the fools of palimpsestuous phocomelic ivory wang hanging exiguous over puckish sempiternal noodlers who however wrong are considerating talkativity to be as saprogenic as skull breathing while half the time in seraglio liquor the lawnmower ennui is emollient involution because the taste of that theory is as quintessential as a yard of toddlers gambling away the lotus johns of absinthian apathy propitiated and insouciant forward fusion wagon of waffles so sensitive to logorrhea yet ablative to prolix aplomb prongs as two creeps creep along gently harpooned to hammers of mercurial elocution in a clever rise to tenditiously blueberried lugubrious headbanging over languorous turquoise teeth eventually sipped from arcadian spines and whisper cut from jazz apothegms in the old sumptuous bell of love discipline o misapprehension afternoon convulsing in what was then considered to hav

difficult for me to hold my laughter when he yells SHUBUP back at 6 after 6 tells him to shut up By: via poetry falcon

toddler is quickly picking up all the bad words from 6 By: via poetry falcon

fiction is questionable By: via poetry falcon

there is no nonfiction By: via poetry falcon

at times eruption is necessary By: via poetry falcon

snow thanks everything cerulean as rumored in the wide berth of evocative murmur language slanted and falling in failure fluffballs glancing the natural weight inculcated with whisper wadded night and found futures of air drifting bright prosodic pansophical double thirteens as emerald as octagons in stray dawn sleep cream also in double clutch truth bellicose hanging sun the sun inside a cube cake killing spirit tarts of their hopeless hope sun from bregma breakfast dancing spears meretricious aphasia bangers in wordy things lying there like fiction apples keeping hands apart By: via poetry falcon

able to rest a while with toddler asleep for nap and 6 building realms on his ipod but still feeling crazy yucky so i keep my mind on the suffering and what to be grateful for and that there are myriad humans and countless other beings suffering far worse hells than this lilly pond i find myself cursing at and also knowing that through this gauntlet one emerges stronger ping ponger By: via poetry falcon

wife's coworker gifted us a lovely iron tea set which is making the perfect jasmine tea taste even more perfecter By: via poetry falcon

white tara By: via poetry falcon

more coffee coffee coffee By: via poetry falcon

they loved the snow but it didn't really help their behavior By: via poetry falcon

as the drugs and coffee kicked in i felt a little better and got the boys outfitted in their snow gear to try and get some of their energy out By: via poetry falcon

wife ran to target and got us some mucinex and dayquil type stuff along with the tea and honey we've been using at which time i also cried and then she came home and got ready really quick and headed out to her double catering shift with her drugs and the coffee i had prepared By: via poetry falcon

i could barely function and got myself a glass of water sat on the step stool and before i could take a drink i was weeping with my head in my hands but it felt good it felt better than not crying By: via poetry falcon

when i finaly did get out of bed feeling the worst i've felt in a very long time the knowledge that wife is leaving for catering and i will be with the boys all day and most of the night was not helping By: via poetry falcon

at that point i woke up heart pounding hyperventilating sweating realizing it was a dream and attempted to work with my breath and the thoughts that were still lingering to see if i could get myself back to sleep and as i did this i felt more and more the pain in my head ears throat chest and that i was much sicker than i have been due to having been up most of the night without a sleep cycle to help me fight this virus By: via poetry falcon

basically it was just your ordinary weird dream with things happening according some kind of subconscious energy unloading itself into whatever and then just like that i man that appeared to be my avuncular jolly uncle whipped toddler out the window and as i watched him fall the ten or twenty stories and hit the ground i was of course in disbelief and then found myself yelling fuck you to the perp over and over and as i ran toward the door to go see if there was any shred of possiblity that he was ok By: via poetry falcon

it was definitely a teaching By: via poetry falcon

reluctant to write anything about such a night as october worsens hours getting sicker and sicker trying to help toddler resume his own rest and wife took the boys so i could sleep in a little bit but when i finally went under and had a pleasant dream it became a nightmare out of the blue and i don't think i've ever had a dream do that so quickly and blatantly By: via poetry falcon

i try to ignore everything i do ever so briefly just for a bit so i can write work on the novel but just like that i jump up at the first call of my name or title an avalanche of domesticity ensconcing me not wholly ungratefully but you know By: via poetry falcon

Found Forest Floor is the title btw By: via poetry falcon

free downloadable extract from the collaborative abstract graphic novel i did with artist Gareth A hopkins By: via poetry falcon

http://ift.tt/2iE2yXD By: via poetry falcon

when we return indoors he eats the croutons from my salad By: via poetry falcon

music class for toddler wee bop he wants to ‘pay’ snow when we get home so i dig out some boots and all the rest and he actually puts them on excited to go out By: via poetry falcon

snow is falling wetting earth By: via poetry falcon

deep in a dream i got the call to wake up and feeling like a leather cyclops in warm glue made my way toward the kraken By: via poetry falcon

coughing and thinking about facets of writing the novel i eventually fell asleep as morning approached By: via poetry falcon

could have been worse like those other nights By: via poetry falcon

false alarm at 2:45am awake at 3:25am begging for mommy crying screaming kicking writhing after waiting him out calming down trying not to cough he’s back to sleep by 3:55am and perhaps i will sleep again as well By: via poetry falcon

pondering the possibility that the book idea i've had burning in the background could be harnessed with this old novel that's been sitting and simmering for 8 or so years but not sure until i keep editing and rereading to see what is there i don't know about you but i don't remember most of what i write unless there is an occasion for remembering and then a line will come springing to life which makes me wonder if we're not so different than that in some regard or not By: via poetry falcon

everyone asleep as i work on the novel By: via poetry falcon

please gore me mad yak i can’t pull the blade of seppuku myself By: via poetry falcon

crashing hard light and dark dancing with this mad yak By: via poetry falcon

thinking about these words By: via poetry falcon

equanimity By: via poetry falcon

equanimous By: via poetry falcon

should have snow by morning and toddler won’t wear a coat hat mittens boots so we’ll see how that goes because he’s excited to ‘pay’ in the snow he says By: via poetry falcon

edit one good paragraph and toddler goes on meltdown strike over and over i guess he’s my novel right now By: via poetry falcon

to play is the work i say By: via poetry falcon

and really i just want to work on the dang novel without care of what anyone else has done or i should or shouldn't do i have my own ideas about how to make something interesting and those ideas may or may not be good or bad but i've noticed they tend to lead to the next thing and the next thing so it's just about getting to the next stop on the writing train experience not so much about finding your voice or the one thing that is really your style or anything like that By: via poetry falcon

a thought i had this morning related to writing and working on the novel is that i should probably read more widely because whenever i encounter someone writing in a unique way i feel like i've been doing that all alone and not showing anyone and now i have permission to use that tool because someone else did and was published i don't know why it has to be so contrived but it's just a thought to read more widely as they say By: via poetry falcon

and another round of bullying me into reading his mind as to how to arrange the chairs and where to put his snack and his juice and somehow i figure it out but man my patience seems nonexistent By: via poetry falcon

seems like an exageration but thats how it felt and now we eat some snacks and laugh at the fly buzzing around and tickling our heads when it lands By: via poetry falcon

but toddler wakes up early and i only get a few winks poor me and he is super crabby asking for things and then irrationally rejecting them which is common behavior for a human nearing the age of two earth years and after literally thirty minutes i finally figure out what he wants which is to put a certain chair from the kitchen table in a different spot so he kneel on it to drink his juice in a particular way that he just happens to fancy at this moment and is willing to rip my nervous system apart to get By: via poetry falcon

ecfe was exhausting but good toddler falling asleep in the car on the way home and me getting him to his bed without problem and then falling asleep myself trying to helpt his virus find its way to the exit the door By: via poetry falcon

bring it on By: via poetry falcon

right next to the part that says By: via poetry falcon

and there’s a whiny part that says poor me By: via poetry falcon

another part just wants to be alone forever and ever By: via poetry falcon

part of me sees all this as a big adventure like can i really pull this off By: via poetry falcon

got 6 to bus somehow getting wife what she needs for work now i need to get ready to take toddler to ecfe EARLY CHILDHOOD FAMILY EDUCATION which is awesome for him but a lot of work for this sick old dog who just wants to sit still and breathe and write garbage all day By: via poetry falcon

coffee By: via poetry falcon

pulling teeth without anesthesia to get anyone to even care about getting ready to go why am i the one who cares and makes it all possible i don’t know i don’t By: via poetry falcon

you assume it’s gotta get better and then it gets worse and then the same assumption arises and it gets worse again as these waves crest and crash we witness their vast impersonal aspects By: via poetry falcon

i am failing at patience maybe i have to experience the complete lack of it to truly know what it is or maybe i’m going to hell because it’s been hell here for over an hour both boys losing their shit completely over and over By: via poetry falcon

good money we’ll both be working overtime By: via poetry falcon

wife receives word she could do a double catering shift for her friend chef ted on saturday and calls to ask if we should do it to which i reply yes By: via poetry falcon

not as cold as i thought more complicated than i thought but done with a proud toddler as helper By: via poetry falcon

we have to go out in the cold and reattach the down spout that’s been off since she painted on last friday By: via poetry falcon

i watch it hit my number and scoop a small mound of green powder into the gaping dragon cup then pour a finger of hot water over it before whisking fiercely with the tiny bamboo whisk until the gorgeous green foam head appears inviting more water and lips to sip it By: via poetry falcon

almost to 160 By: via poetry falcon

probiotic juice drink full of fruits and veggies By: via poetry falcon

spoon full of honey down my throat doctors orders By: via poetry falcon

we put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher as i watch the thermometer descend from 220 in the kettle waiting for it to hit around 160 to 170 to pour over the fine green match tea powder that was given to me last year and probably isn't very fresh but is a luxury nonetheless By: via poetry falcon

able to nap for an hour while toddler and slept and immediately started some manjushri practice upon awakening unfortunately toddler woke up right in the middle of it so i will need to close the practice whenever i can find a small window of time By: via poetry falcon

if you're reading this whenever you're reading this thank you for joining me in my morning contemplation i am finding it helpful to write this stuff out it seems to slow my mind down because i have to figure out how to put it into words and please correct me wherever i may be off i believe there are few fellow buddhists reading this who could keep me check as spout out plumes of ignorance disguised as truth By: via poetry falcon

the simpler the kindness the better By: via poetry falcon

not-knowing is very powerful and is labeled wisdom in many traditions By: via poetry falcon

one key thing i've noticed about kindness and compassion is that you can't know for sure that you're being compassionate and that the not-knowing is pointing toward the emptiness part By: via poetry falcon

writing all of this out for my own benefit to remind me of some of the things i've studied that have helped me By: via poetry falcon

'bodhi' means awake and 'sattva' means being so awake being is bodhisattva but there are different versions depending on what you're talking about like the images of great famous bodhisattvas that are basically mediational deities as well may seem separate but one embodies characteristics of those images emblems and symbols and is able to move foward having found things to be workable but it's not so much a consciously embodying of an image or symbol as much as spending time in formal calming meditation as well as formless space mediations and also some kind of visualization practice from the vajrayana point of view then when one is off the cushion there is a natural tendency toward non-conceptual kindness imbued with emptiness/compassion which are inseperable By: via poetry falcon

we also have the six paramitas of generosity the six paramitas of discipline and so forth kind of like the generosity of generosity and generosity of discipline the generosity of patiance and so forth so the boundaries melt into one simple/comlex thing that could be revealed and tapped into that belongs to no one but has profound potential By: via poetry falcon

'prajna' means something like transcendental knowledge or wisdom and i think wisdom without and owner is implied in the orginal sanskrit as prajna is the thread that runs through them all although they are all within each other as well By: via poetry falcon

generosity discipline patience exertion meditation prajna By: via poetry falcon

'paramita' sometimes means 'perfection' i've also heard it mean something like 'bringing one to the other shore' supposedly the journey to enlightenment i guess By: via poetry falcon

i happened upon an article about tantrikas being parents and raising families and how it feels like one is not able to practice and the teachers chime in about how it is one of the most powerful practices because one is practicing the paramitas of a bodhisattva and i know all that and i agree but still it's just impossible to not fear roiling up lots of new karma that will need to be dealth with later down the line so i'm thinking about this a lot in the night while carrying the toddler for an hour my arms quivering my back aching my head pounding and i'm telling myself that this is probably good bardo practice just like those mahamudra exercises you used to do and want to do again By: via poetry falcon

having said that i have some contemplating to do today as to how to move forward with 6 adopting a new form of defiance opposed to cooperation and trying to fiercly manipulate situations and i'm so sick getting sicker from less sleep each night By: via poetry falcon

i don't know what to say other than parenting is too hard too difficult overwhelmingly ridiculous and being sick sucks too and having them at the same time is the worst and i want to write a long poem here made only of swear words in all caps just to feel that feeling but i think it would look dumb and not accomplish anything so fuck parenting and being sick By: via poetry falcon

i need some new adjectives for awful night man i’m sure you’re sick of reading about this but how do you think i feel having to write it By: via poetry falcon

trying to get 6 focused on homework and dinner at the same time so we can make it to taekwondo on time is difficult By: via poetry falcon

so many facets of being a being i can’t even scratch the surface of one through writing so i flit about writing whatever comes to mind and all those streams lead to the same ocean if i’m lucky honest truthful By: via poetry falcon

my rants are probably off somehow in some way because i am a white male with privilege trying understand things from a distance however my experience working in a public library with extremely diverse patrons in not the best neighborhood has been very enlightening on some of these subjects especially the systemic way we keep the have-nots down by requiring certain things before they gain access to the same information that wealthy people can easily access kind of like voter is laws but with a library card no where is a sanctuary as far as i can tell unless it’s your own basic unfettered pliable brilliant mind/heart By: via poetry falcon

that quote is a close description of how i make decisions in life so thank you Alive for now By: via poetry falcon

help each other By: via poetry falcon

no one is ok until we're all ok By: via poetry falcon

if i'm wrong so be it but this is what i'm seeing please sharpen my view if you see how if you wish By: via poetry falcon

these systems lie within spectrums of awareness so that means i accept that i am on the racism spectrum as well as all the others to a certain degree and i i'm consciously doing things to move myself past my prejedices and toward a deeper humanistic outlook that is at least not harmful if not helpful By: via poetry falcon

it's the SYSTEMIC RACISM and the SYSTEMIC SEXISM and the SYSTEMIC ABLEISM that are in place that we are all part of it's not that they're waking up in the morning drinking their coffee thinking hmmm i sure hate black people and women i'm gonna go out and throw some slurs at those lazy idiots and mysongize those darn sluts and i can't even be bothered by the people who don't really have any problems but think they do all the time SUCH WHINERS By: via poetry falcon

i lie down after getting toddler to nap and sleep a little but am awakened by the urge to pee from all the fluids i'm supposed to be drinking isn't that always a catch 22 and then the wind is rattling our windows today to wake me as well so i sleep a little more and then it's the argument between our loved ones who voted for trump and us who voted for the other one By: via poetry falcon

actually writing actually editing and rewriting and redacting and overwriting elmer and john in between toddler cranky mini-meltdowns coffee and writing all day would be nice but not reasonable this time around too much to do too much to get done on my shoulders and back and quivering arms By: via poetry falcon

the truest lullaby ever By: via poetry falcon

haven’t lost my voice yet but it’s at some subsonic level i don’t know what interval i don’t have perfect pitch don’t expect that of me but i used to have really good relative pitch from boring exercises we did in music school that yielded great results By: via poetry falcon

and up real early we’ll see how this day goes By: via poetry falcon

up at 12:50am up at 3:25am may have lost my voice perhaps it’s for the best to give up the talking game and just write swirling magenta tomes of tragic hilarity wildly deep and profound or carry a little note pad and pencil everywhere By: via poetry falcon

miss those guys By: via poetry falcon

hoping to get back to it at some point By: via poetry falcon

- extracted from an unpublished novel i’ve been calling elmer and john By: via poetry falcon